Monday, 26 March 2012

Osborne Plans To Raid 'Toys R Us' For MP's In 2013 Budget

George Osborne revealed a belated Budget request today, nominating that money taken from pensioners is to be spent on providing all 650 MP’s with brand sparkling new Apple IPad 3’s as their ‘basic’ technological resources are deemed ‘depleted’ as MP’s have to cope with destitute scenarios of only been provided with 5 computer systems by the taxpayer. Those thousands of homeless people don’t know the definition of squalor, according to the Tories anyway. We’ll be joining forces with the Americans next in delivering Mark Zuckerberg’s request for a new set up and personal broadband mast as the signal ‘ain’t half slow round here y’know’.

The reasoning behind the Tories’ suggestion is allegedly so that David Cameron can once more satisfy his spiraling ‘Angry Birds’ addiction (click here for aforementioned turbulence) and so that MP’s can connect to play viral number one app, ‘Draw Something’, where one player has to guess what the other is drawing, collectively throughout the Commons when Ed Miliband starts shouting and issues annoying attempts to launch yet another independent investigation into Tory methods.

Either Sir Alan Haselhurst, Chairman of the Committee drastically failed GCSE Maths while at school or the Commons genuinely do use half a rainforest value of stationary, but generally kitting 650 members out with iPads in addition to monthly data charges for each unit calculating at close to half a million pounds of taxpayer’s money does not suggest itself as the budget alternative to two lots of 500 packet ‘Staple’s’ own brand A4 paper, costing a maximum of £5.00 per meet. It seems then, that poor Haselhurst (possibly due to increasing age) vastly and simultaneously humiliatingly miscalculated his workings out. Good job he didn’t apply for Peter Cruddas’ vacant role as Treasurer, what a disaster that would have been!  

Meanwhile, early plans for the 2013 Budget have re-surfaced with Osborne proposing a remote controlled car to be issued to every MP as part of their well deserved ‘leisure time’. 


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