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Monday, 2 July 2012

Ed Miliband & the Nasal Nuisance

A year on from Labour Party leader Ed Miliband's £1300 dismal nose job, the result of which was suggested to have been the whole reason for the government's U turn on the NHS around the same time as the surgery last year, and it seems that Ed's nose has become a celebrity in itself.

The Ed Miliband Specsavers Range
 Although Miliband missed out on the chance to become PM in the last General Election, he did however win the election to become the new 'voice' of the TomTom Sat Nav ranges recently. This may have not done him any favours however, as floods of complaints reportedly swamped the sat nav company's customer service due to customer's bewilderment as they had often found themselves in different parts of the globe due to following Ed's nasal-ridden directions.

Ultimately, despite the nasal procedure's evident failure, not all hope is lost for Ed as Comic Relief have launched a new campaign entitled 'Ed Nose Day' in acknowledgement of the left wing facial feature and to potentially raise funds for future surgery.

Tuesday, 26 June 2012

That's A Bit Rich!

According to David Cameron, in a speech yesterday in Kent debating ideas for a welfare reform before the Torie’s produced their manifesto for the next general election, the UK benefit system has gone ‘truly awry’ or ‘down the shitters’ (Source- Cameron’s pre-finalized edition of his speech). Why? Apparently ‘millions of working-age people were sitting at home on benefits from the taxpayer even before the recession hit’ which gives David Cameron and his MP’s more in common with millions of said people than he realizes, for the only difference is that much of the government were sitting at home on UK taxpayer’s benefits before AND after the recession hit. That’s a bit rich coming from you Cammers!

Meanwhile Labour are planning a Robin Hood-esque ‘steal from the rich and give to the poor’ operation (mainly from D-Cam’s personal funds reportedly) to try and provide a U turn to the proposals. However there’s only one main problematic factor with that suggestion… Ed Miliband in tights.

It also seems that  David 'Durex' Cameron has gone all Condom-servative with his range of new contraception in a bid to stop the unemployed from ‘breeding’ which is currently in development. More to be heard from the ‘Don’t Be A Fool, Cover Your Tool’ campaign movement.

Monday, 25 June 2012

Twitter A Fail Whale?

Long established Twitter users will remember the ‘fail whale’ image that appeared on users’ screens when Twitter was currently inaccessible. Lately however it seems that Twitter seemed to be living up to that very same fail whale image due to being taken offline by a ‘cascading bug’ on Thursday morning between the hours of 10am-12pm GMT.

Twitter’s renowned ‘flaky reliability’ issues ultimately affected and sparked complaints from over 175million of the micro-blogging service’s registered users and, despite Twitter’s disrepute of hacker claims, the ‘cascading bug’ could may well have been a metaphor for social network rival, Mark Zuckerberg, who reportedly requested all of his departmental staff to each create multiple Twitter accounts throughout the day to cause an inevitable overload, in a supposed ‘team building exercise’.

The cause for this rivalry may be clear as increasing amounts of Facebook users appear to be emigrating away from Facebook and FarmVille requests in favour of a more private community that proves to be a sanctuary when it comes to avoiding those annoyances featured on Facebook friends list who never fail to pop up at most inconveniencing times.

Twitter sources explained that the detrimental bug ‘isn’t confined to a particular software element but ‘cascades’ into other elements as well’, surely suggesting that the Twitter wars aren’t over yet. Is anyone else experiencing an overwhelming déjà-vu of school girl style A+ bitchery?! 

Monday, 18 June 2012

'Maggie'll Have Something To Say About That!'

Following David Cameron’s most recent U-turn, referring not to politics but instead to Cameron’s humiliating and highly criticized neglect of his 8 year old daughter while out on a pub visit (had one too many did you Cammers?), the embarrassed PM has since tried to sweep that unfortunate mishap under the nation’s carpet by convincing the country that the government does care about Britain’s young ‘uns.

This proposal entails the government’s motion of refusal to cut free nursery milk to under 5’s but instead has committed to cutting the exponentially rising costs of the freely supplied dairy produce faced by the budget. Despite Cameron’s attempts to ‘turn a blind eye’ to the bad publicity of the ‘daddy and daughter duo pub crawl’ event, it is unlikely that Britain’s younger generation will reciprocate the government’s ‘care’ due to the steepened sum of 9 grand for uni fees and the Tories’ attempt at abolishing free school meals for the nation’s poorest kids thrust upon them earlier in Cameron’s reign.

Recent studies have proven that  should infants consume a daily intake of milk and cheese, it is consequently more likely that the increased calcium could guarantee them an extended lifetime and potentially cut mortality by a quarter. Perhaps our PM is hoping that supplying our young with dairy products shall increase his ‘lifetime’ in control of the country, not to mention the extra taxes the government could pocket!

Monday, 28 May 2012

Zuckerberg's Response To Facebook Handset Rumours

Having recently floated onto the stock market last week, the pioneer at the helm of social networking giant Facebook spoke out for the first time today regarding the rumours circulating thick and fast about the prospect of a 2013 launch for the Facebook phone.

'Well, basically due to many of our users emigrating onto the Facebook apps available for iPhone and Android, we have been unable to dupe many into buying virtual Facebook credits due to the unavailability of the Flash software on the Apple handsets (required to play most inter-programme apps), and we have also been unavailable to bombard our users with hordes of incessant irrelevant advertisements as featured on the web-based version. And so basically, we need a new way to make money.' Explained Zuckerberg behind his reasoning of the tangible effort of the social networking phenomenon. 

Upon questioning of some of the features that new Facebook handset may hope to offer, Zuckerberg stated that it would be much similar to the iOS software as seen on the iPhone. 'Actually, we had some of their engineers in the other day. We're hoping to pass it off as our own revolutionary step. Oh, and of course the handset shall be glitch rich and users will be constantly annoyed with Farmville(etc) requests within the first five seconds of unlocking their phone, despite the fact that we know most users wish to demolish others' farmhouses, burn their crops and slaughter their animals. It's all for the LOLs.

'We've all got somebody on our friend's list who we always try to avoid and turn off chat upon logging in. Well with the Facebook phone we've decided that connectivity is the way forward and users shall be forced to endure the often painful experience of older relatives talking about their ancient decrepit hounds at a pace of around 5 words per two minutes. We've also blocked all of the privacy settings on the handset, so the handset will automatically update your exact actions, including toilet breaks, at regular 10 minute intervals. As we said, connectivity is the key to making this thing a success.'
First image of the Facebook phone. 'Revolutionary.'
'Guaranteed to be a money maker, this.' We think so too.

Sunday, 27 May 2012

Gaga Gig Cancelled Due To Outfit Woes

Lady Gaga, arguably the most controversial and eccentric pop influential figure on the recent music scene, cancelled her gig scheduled to be played in Indonesia today after it was discovered that she had run out of raw unique materials from which to create her extravagant and often controversial outfits.

To recall a brief backlog of Gaga’s gaga wardrobe, her infamous meat outfit initially comes straight to mind. Favoured by and receiving the highest critique from many of the dogs neighbouring her home, the outfit inspired her to do several edible holiday outfits, including the Christmas turkey outfit (complete with stuffing balls around the breast area) and also the bread and wine ensemble for Easter.

However, over the past few years and the resulting effect of the entirety interior furnishings of her covetable home being transformed to fit her wardrobe desires and experiments, it has been an increased struggle in finding any new household objects which can be adapted to Gaga’s material (literally) needs.

It is said she is contemplating her hardest outfit composition yet, dressing down as herself.

Eurovision: Backstage Babble

Following Sweden’s victory in the 26 country strong Eurovision competition last night, rumours have emerged that there was more backstage drama than initially perceived to those viewing in countries around the globe.

The Russian grannies’ number set a fine example of what could potentially happen if medication were to be neglected at their age, and despite placing a sweet second the sextuplet decided to protest against the victorious ‘Euphoria’ track performed by Loreen by demonstration of chaining their mobility scooters to the stage, obviously influenced by steps seen by anti-cut protesters outside the UK’s deputy prime minister, Nick Clegg’s home.

Rumours have already circulated about identical Irish duo, Jedward and UK participant, Englebert Humperdinck joining forces and amalgamating their acts to produce ‘Jengleward’ during the semi-finals as Englebert’s penultimate scathing defeat has forced him to reconsider his career options and insiders would suggest that he’s already purchased his Wizard of Oz style Tin Man-esque catsuit, complete with shoulder pads and a synthetic blonde quiff due to significant aged hair fragility.