Zuckerberg's Response To Facebook Handset Rumours

Having recently floated onto the stock market last week, the pioneer at the helm of social networking giant Facebook spoke out for the first time today regarding the rumours circulating thick and fast about the prospect of a 2013 launch for the Facebook phone.


'Well, basically due to many of our users emigrating onto the Facebook apps available for iPhone and Android, we have been unable to dupe many into buying virtual Facebook credits due to the unavailability of the Flash software on the Apple handsets (required to play most inter-programme apps), and we have also been unavailable to bombard our users with hordes of incessant irrelevant advertisements as featured on the web-based version. And so basically, we need a new way to make money.' Explained Zuckerberg behind his reasoning of the tangible effort of the social networking phenomenon. 


Upon questioning of some of the features that new Facebook handset may hope to offer, Zuckerberg stated that it would be much similar to the iOS software as seen on the iPhone. 'Actually, we had some of their engineers in the other day. We're hoping to pass it off as our own revolutionary step. Oh, and of course the handset shall be glitch rich and users will be constantly annoyed with Farmville(etc) requests within the first five seconds of unlocking their phone, despite the fact that we know most users wish to demolish others' farmhouses, burn their crops and slaughter their animals. It's all for the LOLs.


'We've all got somebody on our friend's list who we always try to avoid and turn off chat upon logging in. Well with the Facebook phone we've decided that connectivity is the way forward and users shall be forced to endure the often painful experience of older relatives talking about their ancient decrepit hounds at a pace of around 5 words per two minutes. We've also blocked all of the privacy settings on the handset, so the handset will automatically update your exact actions, including toilet breaks, at regular 10 minute intervals. As we said, connectivity is the key to making this thing a success.'

First image of the Facebook phone. 'Revolutionary.'

'Guaranteed to be a money maker, this.' We think so too.

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Gaga Gig Cancelled Due To Outfit Woes

Lady Gaga, arguably the most controversial and eccentric pop influential figure on the recent music scene, cancelled her gig scheduled to be played in Indonesia today after it was discovered that she had run out of raw unique materials from which to create her extravagant and often controversial outfits.

To recall a brief backlog of Gaga’s gaga wardrobe, her infamous meat outfit initially comes straight to mind. Favoured by and receiving the highest critique from many of the dogs neighbouring her home, the outfit inspired her to do several edible holiday outfits, including the Christmas turkey outfit (complete with stuffing balls around the breast area) and also the bread and wine ensemble for Easter.

However, over the past few years and the resulting effect of the entirety interior furnishings of her covetable home being transformed to fit her wardrobe desires and experiments, it has been an increased struggle in finding any new household objects which can be adapted to Gaga’s material (literally) needs.

It is said she is contemplating her hardest outfit composition yet, dressing down as herself.

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Eurovision: Backstage Babble

Following Sweden’s victory in the 26 country strong Eurovision competition last night, rumours have emerged that there was more backstage drama than initially perceived to those viewing in countries around the globe.

The Russian grannies’ number set a fine example of what could potentially happen if medication were to be neglected at their age, and despite placing a sweet second the sextuplet decided to protest against the victorious ‘Euphoria’ track performed by Loreen by demonstration of chaining their mobility scooters to the stage, obviously influenced by steps seen by anti-cut protesters outside the UK’s deputy prime minister, Nick Clegg’s home.

Rumours have already circulated about identical Irish duo, Jedward and UK participant, Englebert Humperdinck joining forces and amalgamating their acts to produce ‘Jengleward’ during the semi-finals as Englebert’s penultimate scathing defeat has forced him to reconsider his career options and insiders would suggest that he’s already purchased his Wizard of Oz style Tin Man-esque catsuit, complete with shoulder pads and a synthetic blonde quiff due to significant aged hair fragility.

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Pasty Protesters: The Backlash

The 'pasty tax' was just one of the many controversial propositions made in the Budget this March, calling for 20% VAT to be added to all food products sold 'above ambient temperature', even if they subsequently cool down after purchase.

Pasty protesters, mainly bakers who are seeing their industry threatened, are planning a demonstration in Downing Street, rumours suggest that armed with frozen varieties of pasties, the protesters will target and 'pasty' the PM's number 10 residence in a last bid attempt to persuade Cameron otherwise, and to ultimately 'get a taste of his own medicine'.

Meanwhile, days before the move was proposed, Cameron and Osborne were spotted bulk-buying warmed pasties from popular baking retailer Greggs and rumours are circulating within Parliament that the pair will soon decide to tax on packed lunches within the work place and at even at school, after all, why should the UK's poorest children be the only one's to pay for their own school meals?


Who'd have known that Parliament would become increasingly discriminative with lack of subtlety? First it was the granny tax, it seems the no one could have fathomed that the trusty faithful Cornish pasty could have been next!

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BBC Suffering Initiative Deficiency

The memorial cruise tracing the path of the Titanic's original maiden voyage occurring a century ago, was delayed and forced to take a detour after BBC cameraman, Tim Rex (56) was airlifted from the ship and taken ill as a 'medical precaution'.


Seriously BBC, I'd have thought it would've been standard procedure (or minimum decent common sense) amid the lamentation and reflecting memorials of the sad event of the sinking of the Titanic 100 years ago, to at least check if any of your crew suffered with sea-sickness before posting them on a boat for 12 days on a commemorative voyage. 

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UK Hosepipe Ban To Back Queen's Olympic Ambitions

It seems that nobody could have fathomed an estimate as to the severity of the brunt ultimately borne on the UK as a direct result of Osborne's extreme late Budget additions subsequent from the original delivered a couple of weeks previously. 

The immediate action was down to a particular royal demand from Prince Philip requiring an Olympic training pool for Her Majesty to be excavated so that 'one could enter into a little Olympic spirit' in preparations for July. The Queen's long discarded ambitions are seemingly being revived at the ultimate expense of the nation (and their pansies) who are consequently fueling her determination involuntarily. (An exception being the dynamic duo, 'Dastardly Dave and Clegg-ly' of course)


Water Aid are responding to the outcries of British need and have launched a campaign similar to the meanwhile discarded 'Save the Children', amended to 'Save the Crysanthamums' to be run across third world countries.

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Scooby Dooby Dave?

Government plans to push forward rules that would enable security forces to access email header  and other traffic details without a warrant has evoked public response of suggestions that the government are attempting to replicate an episode of ‘Scooby Doo’ at attempts to ‘unmask’ some of the UK’s hidden criminals. The general public have issued a major disproval towards ‘those meddling  kids’ and their resulting proposition.

Estimated reasons as to the controversial government snooping scenario is a subtle attempt to disclose potential Eurozone plans to dub and rename Britain as ‘Poundland’ or perhaps to issue a long overdue restraining order on hit melancholic singer, Adele, as self-confessed in her song ‘Someone Like You’ she keeps ‘turning out of the blue uninvited’, and this coupled together with her delusional attempts to ‘set fire to the rain’ despite scientific impossibility has outlined fears for Adele’s mental stability. Zoinks!

Another likely solution is that David Cameron, Scrappy Doo (Nick Clegg) and the remainder of the Tory party seemingly cannot duly withstand waiting for the highly anticipated winning results to freshly commenced season of ‘Britain’s Got Talent’ and wish to listen in to Simon Cowell’s private phone calls to find out who’s won in advance so no money should be wasted on phone in votes (and later claimed on ‘expenses’, see DC’s got the taxpayers in mind after all!).

Ultimately, perhaps the only way to persuade the government to amend their decision and thus change their minds about the whole situation is to offer the entirety of the Commons a Scooby Snack each,  and finally  in the ever wisdom-filled words of Scooby’s infamous sidekick Shaggy himself, ‘that’s our cue to ski-doo!’

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