Ed Miliband & the Nasal Nuisance

A year on from Labour Party leader Ed Miliband's £1300 dismal nose job, the result of which was suggested to have been the whole reason for the government's U turn on the NHS around the same time as the surgery last year, and it seems that Ed's nose has become a celebrity in itself.

The Ed Miliband Specsavers Range

 Although Miliband missed out on the chance to become PM in the last General Election, he did however win the election to become the new 'voice' of the TomTom Sat Nav ranges recently. This may have not done him any favours however, as floods of complaints reportedly swamped the sat nav company's customer service due to customer's bewilderment as they had often found themselves in different parts of the globe due to following Ed's nasal-ridden directions.


Ultimately, despite the nasal procedure's evident failure, not all hope is lost for Ed as Comic Relief have launched a new campaign entitled 'Ed Nose Day' in acknowledgement of the left wing facial feature and to potentially raise funds for future surgery.

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Pasty Protesters: The Backlash

The 'pasty tax' was just one of the many controversial propositions made in the Budget this March, calling for 20% VAT to be added to all food products sold 'above ambient temperature', even if they subsequently cool down after purchase.

Pasty protesters, mainly bakers who are seeing their industry threatened, are planning a demonstration in Downing Street, rumours suggest that armed with frozen varieties of pasties, the protesters will target and 'pasty' the PM's number 10 residence in a last bid attempt to persuade Cameron otherwise, and to ultimately 'get a taste of his own medicine'.

Meanwhile, days before the move was proposed, Cameron and Osborne were spotted bulk-buying warmed pasties from popular baking retailer Greggs and rumours are circulating within Parliament that the pair will soon decide to tax on packed lunches within the work place and at even at school, after all, why should the UK's poorest children be the only one's to pay for their own school meals?


Who'd have known that Parliament would become increasingly discriminative with lack of subtlety? First it was the granny tax, it seems the no one could have fathomed that the trusty faithful Cornish pasty could have been next!

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UK Hosepipe Ban To Back Queen's Olympic Ambitions

It seems that nobody could have fathomed an estimate as to the severity of the brunt ultimately borne on the UK as a direct result of Osborne's extreme late Budget additions subsequent from the original delivered a couple of weeks previously. 

The immediate action was down to a particular royal demand from Prince Philip requiring an Olympic training pool for Her Majesty to be excavated so that 'one could enter into a little Olympic spirit' in preparations for July. The Queen's long discarded ambitions are seemingly being revived at the ultimate expense of the nation (and their pansies) who are consequently fueling her determination involuntarily. (An exception being the dynamic duo, 'Dastardly Dave and Clegg-ly' of course)


Water Aid are responding to the outcries of British need and have launched a campaign similar to the meanwhile discarded 'Save the Children', amended to 'Save the Crysanthamums' to be run across third world countries.

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(Hair) Donors for Cameron Revealed.

David Cameron has today revealed the full extent of his donor list, announcing a few of the members he’s wined and dined with ‘above shop’ (assumedly neglecting those mid-week drunken No 10 prime ministerial ‘raves’ when Samantha briefly retreats elsewhere).

Many sources, also constituting the controversial TV personality and talk show host, Jonathon Ross, seemingly misunderstood the donor program and rather than a requested donation of vast monetary value, instead generously offered to treat Cameron’s ever-receding hair line through transplant or wig should Dave require a spot of grooming.

Gordon Ramsay, having participated in the Daily Mirror’s aptly described ‘Come Dine With Dave’  experience, scored Cameron a pitiful five out of ten possible points for his culinary talents, stating that the ‘Lidl branded microwaveable casserole had a ‘* remarked * resemblance to that of * dog * food’ (* representing Tourette-like ever frequent cursing omissions.)

Nick Clegg is likewise set to follow suit in releasing his dinner party guests which inevitably wholly consist of his Mum, yet he’s nevertheless releasing his list so that people perceive him as ‘important’ and so that Cameron doesn’t steal all of the limelight… Popcorn buckets at the ready as increased inter-coalition general political bitchiness is cued to ensue.

 Meanwhile, the Queen was reported to have chipped in a tenner (via ‘I O U’) in response to the Cash For Cameron fundraiser.

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Osborne Plans To Raid 'Toys R Us' For MP's In 2013 Budget

George Osborne revealed a belated Budget request today, nominating that money taken from pensioners is to be spent on providing all 650 MP’s with brand sparkling new Apple IPad 3’s as their ‘basic’ technological resources are deemed ‘depleted’ as MP’s have to cope with destitute scenarios of only been provided with 5 computer systems by the taxpayer. Those thousands of homeless people don’t know the definition of squalor, according to the Tories anyway. We’ll be joining forces with the Americans next in delivering Mark Zuckerberg’s request for a new set up and personal broadband mast as the signal ‘ain’t half slow round here y’know’.

The reasoning behind the Tories’ suggestion is allegedly so that David Cameron can once more satisfy his spiraling ‘Angry Birds’ addiction (click here for aforementioned turbulence) and so that MP’s can connect to play viral number one app, ‘Draw Something’, where one player has to guess what the other is drawing, collectively throughout the Commons when Ed Miliband starts shouting and issues annoying attempts to launch yet another independent investigation into Tory methods.

Either Sir Alan Haselhurst, Chairman of the Committee drastically failed GCSE Maths while at school or the Commons genuinely do use half a rainforest value of stationary, but generally kitting 650 members out with iPads in addition to monthly data charges for each unit calculating at close to half a million pounds of taxpayer’s money does not suggest itself as the budget alternative to two lots of 500 packet ‘Staple’s’ own brand A4 paper, costing a maximum of £5.00 per meet. It seems then, that poor Haselhurst (possibly due to increasing age) vastly and simultaneously humiliatingly miscalculated his workings out. Good job he didn’t apply for Peter Cruddas’ vacant role as Treasurer, what a disaster that would have been!  

Meanwhile, early plans for the 2013 Budget have re-surfaced with Osborne proposing a remote controlled car to be issued to every MP as part of their well deserved ‘leisure time’. 

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Prime Minister's 'Rent-A-Friend' Structure Backfires

Former Tory Treasurer Peter Crudas was denounced by PM David Cameron today to ‘Crud-ass’ following the revengeful exposure by Murdoch’s ‘Sunday Times’, exclusively broadcasting Pete’s pathetic attempts to join the Cameron Crew by discharging hefty sums to wine and dine and eventually secure a role as Treasurer as a reward for ‘spending his own money so wisely’.

The subtle footage shot and posted on the newspaper’s website outlines the Tory’s new approach to fundraising methods, to which they allegedly received no offers sparing one from ex-Labour Prime Minister Gordon Brown, mistakenly applying for a role as caretaker.  Futile efforts essentially establish that that the Tories’ wiser option could have been by targeting a wider market with an innocent car wash or classic car boot sale to raise Party funds, regardless of Dave’s prestigious Eton education.

Osborne and Cameron may have played tactically on Budget day, expecting an elite monetary reward in form of political donation compensating for wealthy favourable top rate 5% tax cuts, however on the other hand it could just as well have been due to declining popularity and recent jibes from Labour Leader ‘bully’ Miliband that forced the controversy laden pair to issue ‘rent-a-friend’ advertisements at £250k a pop.

Ed Miliband wasted no time and jumped on the accusatory bandwagon, proposing the second investigation of the week (first following the Budget leak scandal on Thursday) and it certainly seems like Britain may just have acquired another Sherlock Holmes. It’s almost disappointing that the Lib Dems decided not to form a bond with Labour as Nick Clegg would have, in my opinion, made a fitting sidekick as Watson.

No matter how scandalous the whole affair may be perceived to be, there’s no denying the entrepreneurial spirit from the Conservatives, however if I were buying government policies at a quarter of a million GBP sterling, I’d certainly want a ‘buy one get one free’ sales offer for the best possible value for money – after all, there is a British recession!

Meanwhile, David Cameron has been sighted sat in various public hotspots throughout London armed with blankets, an empty coffee-stained polystyrene cup laid before him and an improvisational placard reading ‘Cash For Cameron?’

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Budget Banter (2012 Edition)

George Osborne delivered his anxiously awaited 2012 Budget plans earlier today, consequently evoking praise from PM David Cameron as he delivered his statement simultaneously with 'pet' puppy dog Nick Clegg which essentially stated that it was a budget that 'every liberal could be proud of'. Following this, Ed Miliband kindly passed Dave a dictionary after the officials so as to ensure that he could never again embarrassingly confuse the definition of 'liberal' with that of 'wealthy'. What exactly did Oxford teach you Cameron?


The primary controversial subject that ensued from Osborne's budget was the proposal of diminishing the 50p top tax rate by 5% to 45p which subsequently would 'only cost the Treasury £100 million, which is comparatively little against the current MP expense claims'.


If it is generally judged by society as morally wrong to 'steal candy from a baby' as it were, it is clear that Osborne's accumulated petty grudges regarding all of those unnecessary 'Elderly prioritised' bus seats, mobility scooter tankers and early bird exclusive swimming sessions have now somewhat been deemed, in George's mind, as justifiable to steal from pensioners instead. I suppose they had it coming really.


The Tories surprisingly revealed their guilty pleasure and political inspiration source while delivering the adjusted quote, 'We are all in it together', originally from 2006 Disney pre-teen blockbuster, 'High School Musical'. Wishful thinking required Cameron and Clegg to burst out into apparent 'spontaneous' song and dance routine in the midst of the Cabinet. It should be addressed however, that if the Tories plan to go down the Disney movie route to aid brainstorming their 'smart things to say' checklist it may become increasingly noticeable if, in event of Conservative downfall in the next General Election, Cameron states that it is due to the 'circle of life' and the unfortunate fact that it happens to 'move us all'.


Meanwhile, Ed Miliband announced his debut album entitled 'Granny Tax' which is reported to feature exclusive nasal interviews.

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Cameron Haters Stay Back (Obama's On Side)

David Cameron has arrived in Washington for a three-day visit to US president Barack Obama’s headquarters after an interminable course of opposition to highly controversial coalition decisions, including the proposed NHS overturn. The agenda of the visit has been reported to primarily consist of rounds of the ever time devouring board game classic, ‘Monopoly’ as both parts intend to reminisce on international relationships and engage in political ‘bitching’ sessions regarding certain unfavorable members of the UN, interjected with frequent discussions devoted to reassuring and counseling Cameron in regard to his ruthless opposition, an experience that definitely isn’t a revelation to America’s first black president.

Other highlights from the leaders’ itinerary feature a reposed basketball game situated in Ohio, Cameron experiencing a glimpse of ‘the high life’ while lounging in luxurious presidential plane,’ Air Force One’, with a transient  utterance regarding Afghan troops that appears to be almost dutiful as Obama has already specified  that there is apparently no ‘rush for the exits’.

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David Cameron 'An Angry Bird'?

At the end of a stressful day of meetings at work you might expect UK Tory Prime Minister, David Cameron, to embrace a soothing massage from wife Samantha, or kick back in front of the television with a Rich Tea admiring his appearance in a news bulletin. This is not the case however as David Cameron surprisingly admitted yesterday during some light hearted enquiries that he actually finds refuge in the hugely popular smartphone application, ‘Angry Birds’.

Cameron may well have found a recipe for stress success as he envisions tossing bird-shaped Nick Cleggs at opposing activists seeking a call for the coalition to drop its overhaul of the NHS in England on the catchpenny 69p bargain software (which Cameron later claimed back as ‘expenses’), however experts fear that there is nothing ‘light-hearted’ about Cameron’s self confessed ‘addiction’ and an insider source described the PM’s wavering concentration during private meetings and Parliament as a direct result of his gaming.

All sympathies must lie with deputy Lib Dem Prime Minister, Nick Clegg, as he has been finding it increasingly embarrassing when out in public with Cameron, who has a fond habit of responding ‘I wish somebody would throw an Angry Bird at you’ to any opposition or deemed ‘annoying’ members of the general public. These Tourette’s-like outbursts are reported to be similar to the ones suffered by ex- Labour Prime Minister, Gordon Brown after his ‘bigoted woman’ slur back in 2010.

Cameron is reported to be undergoing private rehabilitation for his addiction.

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