UK Hosepipe Ban To Back Queen's Olympic Ambitions

It seems that nobody could have fathomed an estimate as to the severity of the brunt ultimately borne on the UK as a direct result of Osborne's extreme late Budget additions subsequent from the original delivered a couple of weeks previously. 

The immediate action was down to a particular royal demand from Prince Philip requiring an Olympic training pool for Her Majesty to be excavated so that 'one could enter into a little Olympic spirit' in preparations for July. The Queen's long discarded ambitions are seemingly being revived at the ultimate expense of the nation (and their pansies) who are consequently fueling her determination involuntarily. (An exception being the dynamic duo, 'Dastardly Dave and Clegg-ly' of course)


Water Aid are responding to the outcries of British need and have launched a campaign similar to the meanwhile discarded 'Save the Children', amended to 'Save the Crysanthamums' to be run across third world countries.

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Cameron Fuels Arsonists On Latest Outreach Venture

Despite the infamous quote published on World War 2 propaganda posters by the British government in 1939 advising Britons to ‘Keep Calm & Carry On’, this counsel evidently did not adhere to No 10 as a shambolic ministerial statement encouraging drivers to remain fueled up and ‘to fill up a jerrycan or two’. Looks like the British government just jumped from the frying pan directly into the fire (ignited by arsonists with their spare jerrycans).Warnings to David Cameron, Labour’ll have you up like Guy Fawkes on the 5^th of November!

The Royal Family have no concerns over the potential future fuel shortage however, Liz has already lined up her horse and carriage (famously used in Prince William and the Duchess Kate’s wedding and prior to that, Harry and Wills’ mother, Princess Diana) to take extra heed and precaution against the absurdity of no available power to transport Her Majesty to the local off-license to stock up on the Royal gin. ‘One should attempt to re-gain some of one’s limelight from [*cough* Peasant *cough*] Kate from the previous annum.’

Meanwhile in stock rates, the demand for petrol and diesel is higher, and indeed almost more expensive than that of gold dust. Due to the proposed shortage in fuel, the Commons' emergency Cobra team are talking through the intentions of providing excess liposuction fatty deposit fluids to fuel-less drivers. 'If chip fat works...'

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(Hair) Donors for Cameron Revealed.

David Cameron has today revealed the full extent of his donor list, announcing a few of the members he’s wined and dined with ‘above shop’ (assumedly neglecting those mid-week drunken No 10 prime ministerial ‘raves’ when Samantha briefly retreats elsewhere).

Many sources, also constituting the controversial TV personality and talk show host, Jonathon Ross, seemingly misunderstood the donor program and rather than a requested donation of vast monetary value, instead generously offered to treat Cameron’s ever-receding hair line through transplant or wig should Dave require a spot of grooming.

Gordon Ramsay, having participated in the Daily Mirror’s aptly described ‘Come Dine With Dave’  experience, scored Cameron a pitiful five out of ten possible points for his culinary talents, stating that the ‘Lidl branded microwaveable casserole had a ‘* remarked * resemblance to that of * dog * food’ (* representing Tourette-like ever frequent cursing omissions.)

Nick Clegg is likewise set to follow suit in releasing his dinner party guests which inevitably wholly consist of his Mum, yet he’s nevertheless releasing his list so that people perceive him as ‘important’ and so that Cameron doesn’t steal all of the limelight… Popcorn buckets at the ready as increased inter-coalition general political bitchiness is cued to ensue.

 Meanwhile, the Queen was reported to have chipped in a tenner (via ‘I O U’) in response to the Cash For Cameron fundraiser.

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'Phil, one wishes to acquire a pet butler'

In the wake of George Osborne’s controversy laden 45p decreased  top rate tax proposals in which he claims that he supposedly does not benefit from ( a statement proven to be of irrelevance, as he most definitely claims tax back via expenses regardless), the Royal Family meanwhile certainly decided to put the money saved to good use today by job advertising for a new staff member to carry out royal errands, including blocking phone calls from the Duchess Fergie and Prince Charles in case he eagerly happens to suggest that ‘one should maybe resign as one is seeming to, I daresay, hog the crown’. Of course the majority of the British Public know that a complex persuasive case of reverse psychology or a media-glamorized sex scandal is needed for that ‘ridiculous’ motion to happen.

Amid the 775 various rooms filled with assorted antiquities, Victorian era (approx) heads stolen from the Tower of London and royal heirlooms, the novice butler is assured that ‘adequate room will be found’ for his yearly duration in infamous party hotspot, Buckingham Palace. This is reported to be a small-to-medium sized former store cupboard as ‘peasant’ fingerprints are said to be forbidden in more prestigious rooms, ‘which happens to be just about all of them’. Even newlywed Kate had to wait ten years to see the royal throne room (no innuendo intended).

During this very honourable role, the butler will get to witness Liz sans makeup, meadow-coloured dresses, teeth and proper accent which collectively convey a slight resemblance to reality TV star, Susan Boyle. Of course, unlimited unofficial momentos scattered about the Palace are at staff fingertips evoking multiple item listings on auction site eBay for gold threaded ‘Royal Bog Roll’ and stuffed corgi’s depicting the timeline for the duration of Queen Elizabeth II’s reign.

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'With Tiffany's on speed dial, one can positively outdo a certain Jay-Z fellow'

Cheering crowds waving Union Jacks have greeted Queen Elizabeth II in Leicester to mark the start of Her Majesty’s highly anticipated ‘Queen Of Diamonds’ Jubilee Tour around many inner-city precincts and selected arenas. An insider source has teased fans, promising that after a hard week brainstorming the order of show with special guest opening act Prince Philip, with a bottle of gin in hand no doubt, eagerly awaited covers of Kanye West’s Grammy attaining song ‘Diamonds From Sierra Leone’ and Diamond Dog’s ‘InThe Church’ have been confirmed to both feature on the setlist and the Queen has specifically ordered her fandom that they ‘must turn one’s swag on’ as she gulped down her mid-morning brandy.

When asked about her outfits for her forthcoming tour, amid many guessing attempts by the media all over the world, much like the Duke and Duchess’ wedding last April it has been carefully laid under wraps with the only teaser given by Her Royal Highness herself promising, ‘When one has the power of a personal assistant and the Windsor family HSBC Platinum plated debit card, one can choose to wear as much ‘bling- bling’ as one would so wish.’

The last public sighting of the Her Majesty was by onlookers outside the Leicester Theatre as she was spotted embracing her entrepreneurial spirit by flogging discounted, cheaply duplicated tour merchandise spread out on a woolen rug to members of the passing public.

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