Ed Miliband & the Nasal Nuisance

A year on from Labour Party leader Ed Miliband's £1300 dismal nose job, the result of which was suggested to have been the whole reason for the government's U turn on the NHS around the same time as the surgery last year, and it seems that Ed's nose has become a celebrity in itself.

The Ed Miliband Specsavers Range

 Although Miliband missed out on the chance to become PM in the last General Election, he did however win the election to become the new 'voice' of the TomTom Sat Nav ranges recently. This may have not done him any favours however, as floods of complaints reportedly swamped the sat nav company's customer service due to customer's bewilderment as they had often found themselves in different parts of the globe due to following Ed's nasal-ridden directions.


Ultimately, despite the nasal procedure's evident failure, not all hope is lost for Ed as Comic Relief have launched a new campaign entitled 'Ed Nose Day' in acknowledgement of the left wing facial feature and to potentially raise funds for future surgery.

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That's A Bit Rich!

According to David Cameron, in a speech yesterday in Kent debating ideas for a welfare reform before the Torie’s produced their manifesto for the next general election, the UK benefit system has gone ‘truly awry’ or ‘down the shitters’ (Source- Cameron’s pre-finalized edition of his speech). Why? Apparently ‘millions of working-age people were sitting at home on benefits from the taxpayer even before the recession hit’ which gives David Cameron and his MP’s more in common with millions of said people than he realizes, for the only difference is that much of the government were sitting at home on UK taxpayer’s benefits before AND after the recession hit. That’s a bit rich coming from you Cammers!

Meanwhile Labour are planning a Robin Hood-esque ‘steal from the rich and give to the poor’ operation (mainly from D-Cam’s personal funds reportedly) to try and provide a U turn to the proposals. However there’s only one main problematic factor with that suggestion… Ed Miliband in tights.

It also seems that  David 'Durex' Cameron has gone all Condom-servative with his range of new contraception in a bid to stop the unemployed from ‘breeding’ which is currently in development. More to be heard from the ‘Don’t Be A Fool, Cover Your Tool’ campaign movement.

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Twitter A Fail Whale?

Long established Twitter users will remember the ‘fail whale’ image that appeared on users’ screens when Twitter was currently inaccessible. Lately however it seems that Twitter seemed to be living up to that very same fail whale image due to being taken offline by a ‘cascading bug’ on Thursday morning between the hours of 10am-12pm GMT.

Twitter’s renowned ‘flaky reliability’ issues ultimately affected and sparked complaints from over 175million of the micro-blogging service’s registered users and, despite Twitter’s disrepute of hacker claims, the ‘cascading bug’ could may well have been a metaphor for social network rival, Mark Zuckerberg, who reportedly requested all of his departmental staff to each create multiple Twitter accounts throughout the day to cause an inevitable overload, in a supposed ‘team building exercise’.

The cause for this rivalry may be clear as increasing amounts of Facebook users appear to be emigrating away from Facebook and FarmVille requests in favour of a more private community that proves to be a sanctuary when it comes to avoiding those annoyances featured on Facebook friends list who never fail to pop up at most inconveniencing times.

Twitter sources explained that the detrimental bug ‘isn’t confined to a particular software element but ‘cascades’ into other elements as well’, surely suggesting that the Twitter wars aren’t over yet. Is anyone else experiencing an overwhelming déjà-vu of school girl style A+ bitchery?! 

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Zuckerberg's Response To Facebook Handset Rumours

Having recently floated onto the stock market last week, the pioneer at the helm of social networking giant Facebook spoke out for the first time today regarding the rumours circulating thick and fast about the prospect of a 2013 launch for the Facebook phone.


'Well, basically due to many of our users emigrating onto the Facebook apps available for iPhone and Android, we have been unable to dupe many into buying virtual Facebook credits due to the unavailability of the Flash software on the Apple handsets (required to play most inter-programme apps), and we have also been unavailable to bombard our users with hordes of incessant irrelevant advertisements as featured on the web-based version. And so basically, we need a new way to make money.' Explained Zuckerberg behind his reasoning of the tangible effort of the social networking phenomenon. 


Upon questioning of some of the features that new Facebook handset may hope to offer, Zuckerberg stated that it would be much similar to the iOS software as seen on the iPhone. 'Actually, we had some of their engineers in the other day. We're hoping to pass it off as our own revolutionary step. Oh, and of course the handset shall be glitch rich and users will be constantly annoyed with Farmville(etc) requests within the first five seconds of unlocking their phone, despite the fact that we know most users wish to demolish others' farmhouses, burn their crops and slaughter their animals. It's all for the LOLs.


'We've all got somebody on our friend's list who we always try to avoid and turn off chat upon logging in. Well with the Facebook phone we've decided that connectivity is the way forward and users shall be forced to endure the often painful experience of older relatives talking about their ancient decrepit hounds at a pace of around 5 words per two minutes. We've also blocked all of the privacy settings on the handset, so the handset will automatically update your exact actions, including toilet breaks, at regular 10 minute intervals. As we said, connectivity is the key to making this thing a success.'

First image of the Facebook phone. 'Revolutionary.'

'Guaranteed to be a money maker, this.' We think so too.

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Gaga Gig Cancelled Due To Outfit Woes

Lady Gaga, arguably the most controversial and eccentric pop influential figure on the recent music scene, cancelled her gig scheduled to be played in Indonesia today after it was discovered that she had run out of raw unique materials from which to create her extravagant and often controversial outfits.

To recall a brief backlog of Gaga’s gaga wardrobe, her infamous meat outfit initially comes straight to mind. Favoured by and receiving the highest critique from many of the dogs neighbouring her home, the outfit inspired her to do several edible holiday outfits, including the Christmas turkey outfit (complete with stuffing balls around the breast area) and also the bread and wine ensemble for Easter.

However, over the past few years and the resulting effect of the entirety interior furnishings of her covetable home being transformed to fit her wardrobe desires and experiments, it has been an increased struggle in finding any new household objects which can be adapted to Gaga’s material (literally) needs.

It is said she is contemplating her hardest outfit composition yet, dressing down as herself.

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Eurovision: Backstage Babble

Following Sweden’s victory in the 26 country strong Eurovision competition last night, rumours have emerged that there was more backstage drama than initially perceived to those viewing in countries around the globe.

The Russian grannies’ number set a fine example of what could potentially happen if medication were to be neglected at their age, and despite placing a sweet second the sextuplet decided to protest against the victorious ‘Euphoria’ track performed by Loreen by demonstration of chaining their mobility scooters to the stage, obviously influenced by steps seen by anti-cut protesters outside the UK’s deputy prime minister, Nick Clegg’s home.

Rumours have already circulated about identical Irish duo, Jedward and UK participant, Englebert Humperdinck joining forces and amalgamating their acts to produce ‘Jengleward’ during the semi-finals as Englebert’s penultimate scathing defeat has forced him to reconsider his career options and insiders would suggest that he’s already purchased his Wizard of Oz style Tin Man-esque catsuit, complete with shoulder pads and a synthetic blonde quiff due to significant aged hair fragility.

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BBC Suffering Initiative Deficiency

The memorial cruise tracing the path of the Titanic's original maiden voyage occurring a century ago, was delayed and forced to take a detour after BBC cameraman, Tim Rex (56) was airlifted from the ship and taken ill as a 'medical precaution'.


Seriously BBC, I'd have thought it would've been standard procedure (or minimum decent common sense) amid the lamentation and reflecting memorials of the sad event of the sinking of the Titanic 100 years ago, to at least check if any of your crew suffered with sea-sickness before posting them on a boat for 12 days on a commemorative voyage. 

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UK Hosepipe Ban To Back Queen's Olympic Ambitions

It seems that nobody could have fathomed an estimate as to the severity of the brunt ultimately borne on the UK as a direct result of Osborne's extreme late Budget additions subsequent from the original delivered a couple of weeks previously. 

The immediate action was down to a particular royal demand from Prince Philip requiring an Olympic training pool for Her Majesty to be excavated so that 'one could enter into a little Olympic spirit' in preparations for July. The Queen's long discarded ambitions are seemingly being revived at the ultimate expense of the nation (and their pansies) who are consequently fueling her determination involuntarily. (An exception being the dynamic duo, 'Dastardly Dave and Clegg-ly' of course)


Water Aid are responding to the outcries of British need and have launched a campaign similar to the meanwhile discarded 'Save the Children', amended to 'Save the Crysanthamums' to be run across third world countries.

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(Hair) Donors for Cameron Revealed.

David Cameron has today revealed the full extent of his donor list, announcing a few of the members he’s wined and dined with ‘above shop’ (assumedly neglecting those mid-week drunken No 10 prime ministerial ‘raves’ when Samantha briefly retreats elsewhere).

Many sources, also constituting the controversial TV personality and talk show host, Jonathon Ross, seemingly misunderstood the donor program and rather than a requested donation of vast monetary value, instead generously offered to treat Cameron’s ever-receding hair line through transplant or wig should Dave require a spot of grooming.

Gordon Ramsay, having participated in the Daily Mirror’s aptly described ‘Come Dine With Dave’  experience, scored Cameron a pitiful five out of ten possible points for his culinary talents, stating that the ‘Lidl branded microwaveable casserole had a ‘* remarked * resemblance to that of * dog * food’ (* representing Tourette-like ever frequent cursing omissions.)

Nick Clegg is likewise set to follow suit in releasing his dinner party guests which inevitably wholly consist of his Mum, yet he’s nevertheless releasing his list so that people perceive him as ‘important’ and so that Cameron doesn’t steal all of the limelight… Popcorn buckets at the ready as increased inter-coalition general political bitchiness is cued to ensue.

 Meanwhile, the Queen was reported to have chipped in a tenner (via ‘I O U’) in response to the Cash For Cameron fundraiser.

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'Phil, one wishes to acquire a pet butler'

In the wake of George Osborne’s controversy laden 45p decreased  top rate tax proposals in which he claims that he supposedly does not benefit from ( a statement proven to be of irrelevance, as he most definitely claims tax back via expenses regardless), the Royal Family meanwhile certainly decided to put the money saved to good use today by job advertising for a new staff member to carry out royal errands, including blocking phone calls from the Duchess Fergie and Prince Charles in case he eagerly happens to suggest that ‘one should maybe resign as one is seeming to, I daresay, hog the crown’. Of course the majority of the British Public know that a complex persuasive case of reverse psychology or a media-glamorized sex scandal is needed for that ‘ridiculous’ motion to happen.

Amid the 775 various rooms filled with assorted antiquities, Victorian era (approx) heads stolen from the Tower of London and royal heirlooms, the novice butler is assured that ‘adequate room will be found’ for his yearly duration in infamous party hotspot, Buckingham Palace. This is reported to be a small-to-medium sized former store cupboard as ‘peasant’ fingerprints are said to be forbidden in more prestigious rooms, ‘which happens to be just about all of them’. Even newlywed Kate had to wait ten years to see the royal throne room (no innuendo intended).

During this very honourable role, the butler will get to witness Liz sans makeup, meadow-coloured dresses, teeth and proper accent which collectively convey a slight resemblance to reality TV star, Susan Boyle. Of course, unlimited unofficial momentos scattered about the Palace are at staff fingertips evoking multiple item listings on auction site eBay for gold threaded ‘Royal Bog Roll’ and stuffed corgi’s depicting the timeline for the duration of Queen Elizabeth II’s reign.

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Cameron Haters Stay Back (Obama's On Side)

David Cameron has arrived in Washington for a three-day visit to US president Barack Obama’s headquarters after an interminable course of opposition to highly controversial coalition decisions, including the proposed NHS overturn. The agenda of the visit has been reported to primarily consist of rounds of the ever time devouring board game classic, ‘Monopoly’ as both parts intend to reminisce on international relationships and engage in political ‘bitching’ sessions regarding certain unfavorable members of the UN, interjected with frequent discussions devoted to reassuring and counseling Cameron in regard to his ruthless opposition, an experience that definitely isn’t a revelation to America’s first black president.

Other highlights from the leaders’ itinerary feature a reposed basketball game situated in Ohio, Cameron experiencing a glimpse of ‘the high life’ while lounging in luxurious presidential plane,’ Air Force One’, with a transient  utterance regarding Afghan troops that appears to be almost dutiful as Obama has already specified  that there is apparently no ‘rush for the exits’.

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'With Tiffany's on speed dial, one can positively outdo a certain Jay-Z fellow'

Cheering crowds waving Union Jacks have greeted Queen Elizabeth II in Leicester to mark the start of Her Majesty’s highly anticipated ‘Queen Of Diamonds’ Jubilee Tour around many inner-city precincts and selected arenas. An insider source has teased fans, promising that after a hard week brainstorming the order of show with special guest opening act Prince Philip, with a bottle of gin in hand no doubt, eagerly awaited covers of Kanye West’s Grammy attaining song ‘Diamonds From Sierra Leone’ and Diamond Dog’s ‘InThe Church’ have been confirmed to both feature on the setlist and the Queen has specifically ordered her fandom that they ‘must turn one’s swag on’ as she gulped down her mid-morning brandy.

When asked about her outfits for her forthcoming tour, amid many guessing attempts by the media all over the world, much like the Duke and Duchess’ wedding last April it has been carefully laid under wraps with the only teaser given by Her Royal Highness herself promising, ‘When one has the power of a personal assistant and the Windsor family HSBC Platinum plated debit card, one can choose to wear as much ‘bling- bling’ as one would so wish.’

The last public sighting of the Her Majesty was by onlookers outside the Leicester Theatre as she was spotted embracing her entrepreneurial spirit by flogging discounted, cheaply duplicated tour merchandise spread out on a woolen rug to members of the passing public.

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Mark Zuckerberg calls Team Deathmatch

The social networking platform Facebook, which hosts approximately 850 million unproductive ‘soon-to-be-fired’ office workers from around the globe disconnected for two whole hours earlier this morning as Mark Zuckerberg wished to eliminate the annoyance of lag from his well-deserved game of Call Of Duty Team Deathmatch online multiplayer game with ‘the lads’ as he had especially plugged in his dust-topped first generation Xbox 360 Arcade (after all- ‘there’s no real monetary benefits in upgrading to a 250GB harddrive when a 256MB memory stick is perfectly adequate enough’). Zuckerberg decided to cover up his leisure pursuit with a half-hearted yet totally believable excuse filed under ‘technical issues’ that Twitter users found incredibly easy to swallow, given Facebook’s incompetency of lasting a week sans glitches.

The Twitter lads took this as an opportunity to poke fun at Facebook’s temporary downfall, trending #FacebookDown as perhaps a premature victory chant at the fact that they managed to beat Zuckerberg at his own game (of CoD). However, Zuckerberg’s mum didn’t seem too impressed with Twitter’s gloating and forebode that she would ‘get involved’ if the microblogging site didn’t ‘pipe down’.

There has been no word from Twitter since.

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