That's A Bit Rich!

According to David Cameron, in a speech yesterday in Kent debating ideas for a welfare reform before the Torie’s produced their manifesto for the next general election, the UK benefit system has gone ‘truly awry’ or ‘down the shitters’ (Source- Cameron’s pre-finalized edition of his speech). Why? Apparently ‘millions of working-age people were sitting at home on benefits from the taxpayer even before the recession hit’ which gives David Cameron and his MP’s more in common with millions of said people than he realizes, for the only difference is that much of the government were sitting at home on UK taxpayer’s benefits before AND after the recession hit. That’s a bit rich coming from you Cammers!

Meanwhile Labour are planning a Robin Hood-esque ‘steal from the rich and give to the poor’ operation (mainly from D-Cam’s personal funds reportedly) to try and provide a U turn to the proposals. However there’s only one main problematic factor with that suggestion… Ed Miliband in tights.

It also seems that  David 'Durex' Cameron has gone all Condom-servative with his range of new contraception in a bid to stop the unemployed from ‘breeding’ which is currently in development. More to be heard from the ‘Don’t Be A Fool, Cover Your Tool’ campaign movement.

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'Maggie'll Have Something To Say About That!'

Following David Cameron’s most recent U-turn, referring not to politics but instead to Cameron’s humiliating and highly criticized neglect of his 8 year old daughter while out on a pub visit (had one too many did you Cammers?), the embarrassed PM has since tried to sweep that unfortunate mishap under the nation’s carpet by convincing the country that the government does care about Britain’s young ‘uns.

This proposal entails the government’s motion of refusal to cut free nursery milk to under 5’s but instead has committed to cutting the exponentially rising costs of the freely supplied dairy produce faced by the budget. Despite Cameron’s attempts to ‘turn a blind eye’ to the bad publicity of the ‘daddy and daughter duo pub crawl’ event, it is unlikely that Britain’s younger generation will reciprocate the government’s ‘care’ due to the steepened sum of 9 grand for uni fees and the Tories’ attempt at abolishing free school meals for the nation’s poorest kids thrust upon them earlier in Cameron’s reign.

Recent studies have proven that  should infants consume a daily intake of milk and cheese, it is consequently more likely that the increased calcium could guarantee them an extended lifetime and potentially cut mortality by a quarter. Perhaps our PM is hoping that supplying our young with dairy products shall increase his ‘lifetime’ in control of the country, not to mention the extra taxes the government could pocket!

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'Phil, one wishes to acquire a pet butler'

In the wake of George Osborne’s controversy laden 45p decreased  top rate tax proposals in which he claims that he supposedly does not benefit from ( a statement proven to be of irrelevance, as he most definitely claims tax back via expenses regardless), the Royal Family meanwhile certainly decided to put the money saved to good use today by job advertising for a new staff member to carry out royal errands, including blocking phone calls from the Duchess Fergie and Prince Charles in case he eagerly happens to suggest that ‘one should maybe resign as one is seeming to, I daresay, hog the crown’. Of course the majority of the British Public know that a complex persuasive case of reverse psychology or a media-glamorized sex scandal is needed for that ‘ridiculous’ motion to happen.

Amid the 775 various rooms filled with assorted antiquities, Victorian era (approx) heads stolen from the Tower of London and royal heirlooms, the novice butler is assured that ‘adequate room will be found’ for his yearly duration in infamous party hotspot, Buckingham Palace. This is reported to be a small-to-medium sized former store cupboard as ‘peasant’ fingerprints are said to be forbidden in more prestigious rooms, ‘which happens to be just about all of them’. Even newlywed Kate had to wait ten years to see the royal throne room (no innuendo intended).

During this very honourable role, the butler will get to witness Liz sans makeup, meadow-coloured dresses, teeth and proper accent which collectively convey a slight resemblance to reality TV star, Susan Boyle. Of course, unlimited unofficial momentos scattered about the Palace are at staff fingertips evoking multiple item listings on auction site eBay for gold threaded ‘Royal Bog Roll’ and stuffed corgi’s depicting the timeline for the duration of Queen Elizabeth II’s reign.

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Cameron Haters Stay Back (Obama's On Side)

David Cameron has arrived in Washington for a three-day visit to US president Barack Obama’s headquarters after an interminable course of opposition to highly controversial coalition decisions, including the proposed NHS overturn. The agenda of the visit has been reported to primarily consist of rounds of the ever time devouring board game classic, ‘Monopoly’ as both parts intend to reminisce on international relationships and engage in political ‘bitching’ sessions regarding certain unfavorable members of the UN, interjected with frequent discussions devoted to reassuring and counseling Cameron in regard to his ruthless opposition, an experience that definitely isn’t a revelation to America’s first black president.

Other highlights from the leaders’ itinerary feature a reposed basketball game situated in Ohio, Cameron experiencing a glimpse of ‘the high life’ while lounging in luxurious presidential plane,’ Air Force One’, with a transient  utterance regarding Afghan troops that appears to be almost dutiful as Obama has already specified  that there is apparently no ‘rush for the exits’.

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David Cameron 'An Angry Bird'?

At the end of a stressful day of meetings at work you might expect UK Tory Prime Minister, David Cameron, to embrace a soothing massage from wife Samantha, or kick back in front of the television with a Rich Tea admiring his appearance in a news bulletin. This is not the case however as David Cameron surprisingly admitted yesterday during some light hearted enquiries that he actually finds refuge in the hugely popular smartphone application, ‘Angry Birds’.

Cameron may well have found a recipe for stress success as he envisions tossing bird-shaped Nick Cleggs at opposing activists seeking a call for the coalition to drop its overhaul of the NHS in England on the catchpenny 69p bargain software (which Cameron later claimed back as ‘expenses’), however experts fear that there is nothing ‘light-hearted’ about Cameron’s self confessed ‘addiction’ and an insider source described the PM’s wavering concentration during private meetings and Parliament as a direct result of his gaming.

All sympathies must lie with deputy Lib Dem Prime Minister, Nick Clegg, as he has been finding it increasingly embarrassing when out in public with Cameron, who has a fond habit of responding ‘I wish somebody would throw an Angry Bird at you’ to any opposition or deemed ‘annoying’ members of the general public. These Tourette’s-like outbursts are reported to be similar to the ones suffered by ex- Labour Prime Minister, Gordon Brown after his ‘bigoted woman’ slur back in 2010.

Cameron is reported to be undergoing private rehabilitation for his addiction.

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Poke Wars 'Biggest Threat' To Forces

The US Army recently issued a warning foreboding soldiers regarding the poisonous chokehold of social networking site, Facebook, which has approximately 845 million worldwide victims to date. The warnings stated how, once registered, members would be continually harassed with ‘pokes’ and prods from people they vaguely remember meeting once in the queue for the local ‘Hole-in-the-wall’ ATM but suddenly claim that they are a ‘friend’, consequently beleaguering newsfeeds with Farmville and alternative unwanted virtual gaming requests. Users will continuously refresh the home page every couple of minutes in an entranced, seemingly unbreakable cycle, waiting in anticipation for the imminent inevitably grammatically incorrect statuses of members consistently using incorrect versions of ‘they’re, their and there’ where appropriate.

More than one million mobile phone users in the United States now use smartphones, according to a study published this week by Comscore, a market research firm. The British Army, however, has banned the use of all mobile phones due to the compulsion to log into social networking sites such as Facebook, not just due to the geo-tagging location facility that could potentially give away soldiers’ locations, but primarily due to the fact that a ‘poke war’ may ensue among the forces, and ‘that kind of thing may be used to an enemy’s advantage to weaken their spirit’ insighted Daniel Sherman of defence think tank Royal United Services Institute.

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