Pasty Protesters: The Backlash

The 'pasty tax' was just one of the many controversial propositions made in the Budget this March, calling for 20% VAT to be added to all food products sold 'above ambient temperature', even if they subsequently cool down after purchase.

Pasty protesters, mainly bakers who are seeing their industry threatened, are planning a demonstration in Downing Street, rumours suggest that armed with frozen varieties of pasties, the protesters will target and 'pasty' the PM's number 10 residence in a last bid attempt to persuade Cameron otherwise, and to ultimately 'get a taste of his own medicine'.

Meanwhile, days before the move was proposed, Cameron and Osborne were spotted bulk-buying warmed pasties from popular baking retailer Greggs and rumours are circulating within Parliament that the pair will soon decide to tax on packed lunches within the work place and at even at school, after all, why should the UK's poorest children be the only one's to pay for their own school meals?


Who'd have known that Parliament would become increasingly discriminative with lack of subtlety? First it was the granny tax, it seems the no one could have fathomed that the trusty faithful Cornish pasty could have been next!

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BBC Suffering Initiative Deficiency

The memorial cruise tracing the path of the Titanic's original maiden voyage occurring a century ago, was delayed and forced to take a detour after BBC cameraman, Tim Rex (56) was airlifted from the ship and taken ill as a 'medical precaution'.


Seriously BBC, I'd have thought it would've been standard procedure (or minimum decent common sense) amid the lamentation and reflecting memorials of the sad event of the sinking of the Titanic 100 years ago, to at least check if any of your crew suffered with sea-sickness before posting them on a boat for 12 days on a commemorative voyage. 

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UK Hosepipe Ban To Back Queen's Olympic Ambitions

It seems that nobody could have fathomed an estimate as to the severity of the brunt ultimately borne on the UK as a direct result of Osborne's extreme late Budget additions subsequent from the original delivered a couple of weeks previously. 

The immediate action was down to a particular royal demand from Prince Philip requiring an Olympic training pool for Her Majesty to be excavated so that 'one could enter into a little Olympic spirit' in preparations for July. The Queen's long discarded ambitions are seemingly being revived at the ultimate expense of the nation (and their pansies) who are consequently fueling her determination involuntarily. (An exception being the dynamic duo, 'Dastardly Dave and Clegg-ly' of course)


Water Aid are responding to the outcries of British need and have launched a campaign similar to the meanwhile discarded 'Save the Children', amended to 'Save the Crysanthamums' to be run across third world countries.

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Scooby Dooby Dave?

Government plans to push forward rules that would enable security forces to access email header  and other traffic details without a warrant has evoked public response of suggestions that the government are attempting to replicate an episode of ‘Scooby Doo’ at attempts to ‘unmask’ some of the UK’s hidden criminals. The general public have issued a major disproval towards ‘those meddling  kids’ and their resulting proposition.

Estimated reasons as to the controversial government snooping scenario is a subtle attempt to disclose potential Eurozone plans to dub and rename Britain as ‘Poundland’ or perhaps to issue a long overdue restraining order on hit melancholic singer, Adele, as self-confessed in her song ‘Someone Like You’ she keeps ‘turning out of the blue uninvited’, and this coupled together with her delusional attempts to ‘set fire to the rain’ despite scientific impossibility has outlined fears for Adele’s mental stability. Zoinks!

Another likely solution is that David Cameron, Scrappy Doo (Nick Clegg) and the remainder of the Tory party seemingly cannot duly withstand waiting for the highly anticipated winning results to freshly commenced season of ‘Britain’s Got Talent’ and wish to listen in to Simon Cowell’s private phone calls to find out who’s won in advance so no money should be wasted on phone in votes (and later claimed on ‘expenses’, see DC’s got the taxpayers in mind after all!).

Ultimately, perhaps the only way to persuade the government to amend their decision and thus change their minds about the whole situation is to offer the entirety of the Commons a Scooby Snack each,  and finally  in the ever wisdom-filled words of Scooby’s infamous sidekick Shaggy himself, ‘that’s our cue to ski-doo!’

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Cameron Fuels Arsonists On Latest Outreach Venture

Despite the infamous quote published on World War 2 propaganda posters by the British government in 1939 advising Britons to ‘Keep Calm & Carry On’, this counsel evidently did not adhere to No 10 as a shambolic ministerial statement encouraging drivers to remain fueled up and ‘to fill up a jerrycan or two’. Looks like the British government just jumped from the frying pan directly into the fire (ignited by arsonists with their spare jerrycans).Warnings to David Cameron, Labour’ll have you up like Guy Fawkes on the 5^th of November!

The Royal Family have no concerns over the potential future fuel shortage however, Liz has already lined up her horse and carriage (famously used in Prince William and the Duchess Kate’s wedding and prior to that, Harry and Wills’ mother, Princess Diana) to take extra heed and precaution against the absurdity of no available power to transport Her Majesty to the local off-license to stock up on the Royal gin. ‘One should attempt to re-gain some of one’s limelight from [*cough* Peasant *cough*] Kate from the previous annum.’

Meanwhile in stock rates, the demand for petrol and diesel is higher, and indeed almost more expensive than that of gold dust. Due to the proposed shortage in fuel, the Commons' emergency Cobra team are talking through the intentions of providing excess liposuction fatty deposit fluids to fuel-less drivers. 'If chip fat works...'

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(Hair) Donors for Cameron Revealed.

David Cameron has today revealed the full extent of his donor list, announcing a few of the members he’s wined and dined with ‘above shop’ (assumedly neglecting those mid-week drunken No 10 prime ministerial ‘raves’ when Samantha briefly retreats elsewhere).

Many sources, also constituting the controversial TV personality and talk show host, Jonathon Ross, seemingly misunderstood the donor program and rather than a requested donation of vast monetary value, instead generously offered to treat Cameron’s ever-receding hair line through transplant or wig should Dave require a spot of grooming.

Gordon Ramsay, having participated in the Daily Mirror’s aptly described ‘Come Dine With Dave’  experience, scored Cameron a pitiful five out of ten possible points for his culinary talents, stating that the ‘Lidl branded microwaveable casserole had a ‘* remarked * resemblance to that of * dog * food’ (* representing Tourette-like ever frequent cursing omissions.)

Nick Clegg is likewise set to follow suit in releasing his dinner party guests which inevitably wholly consist of his Mum, yet he’s nevertheless releasing his list so that people perceive him as ‘important’ and so that Cameron doesn’t steal all of the limelight… Popcorn buckets at the ready as increased inter-coalition general political bitchiness is cued to ensue.

 Meanwhile, the Queen was reported to have chipped in a tenner (via ‘I O U’) in response to the Cash For Cameron fundraiser.

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Osborne Plans To Raid 'Toys R Us' For MP's In 2013 Budget

George Osborne revealed a belated Budget request today, nominating that money taken from pensioners is to be spent on providing all 650 MP’s with brand sparkling new Apple IPad 3’s as their ‘basic’ technological resources are deemed ‘depleted’ as MP’s have to cope with destitute scenarios of only been provided with 5 computer systems by the taxpayer. Those thousands of homeless people don’t know the definition of squalor, according to the Tories anyway. We’ll be joining forces with the Americans next in delivering Mark Zuckerberg’s request for a new set up and personal broadband mast as the signal ‘ain’t half slow round here y’know’.

The reasoning behind the Tories’ suggestion is allegedly so that David Cameron can once more satisfy his spiraling ‘Angry Birds’ addiction (click here for aforementioned turbulence) and so that MP’s can connect to play viral number one app, ‘Draw Something’, where one player has to guess what the other is drawing, collectively throughout the Commons when Ed Miliband starts shouting and issues annoying attempts to launch yet another independent investigation into Tory methods.

Either Sir Alan Haselhurst, Chairman of the Committee drastically failed GCSE Maths while at school or the Commons genuinely do use half a rainforest value of stationary, but generally kitting 650 members out with iPads in addition to monthly data charges for each unit calculating at close to half a million pounds of taxpayer’s money does not suggest itself as the budget alternative to two lots of 500 packet ‘Staple’s’ own brand A4 paper, costing a maximum of £5.00 per meet. It seems then, that poor Haselhurst (possibly due to increasing age) vastly and simultaneously humiliatingly miscalculated his workings out. Good job he didn’t apply for Peter Cruddas’ vacant role as Treasurer, what a disaster that would have been!  

Meanwhile, early plans for the 2013 Budget have re-surfaced with Osborne proposing a remote controlled car to be issued to every MP as part of their well deserved ‘leisure time’. 

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