Cameron Fuels Arsonists On Latest Outreach Venture

Despite the infamous quote published on World War 2 propaganda posters by the British government in 1939 advising Britons to ‘Keep Calm & Carry On’, this counsel evidently did not adhere to No 10 as a shambolic ministerial statement encouraging drivers to remain fueled up and ‘to fill up a jerrycan or two’. Looks like the British government just jumped from the frying pan directly into the fire (ignited by arsonists with their spare jerrycans).Warnings to David Cameron, Labour’ll have you up like Guy Fawkes on the 5^th of November!

The Royal Family have no concerns over the potential future fuel shortage however, Liz has already lined up her horse and carriage (famously used in Prince William and the Duchess Kate’s wedding and prior to that, Harry and Wills’ mother, Princess Diana) to take extra heed and precaution against the absurdity of no available power to transport Her Majesty to the local off-license to stock up on the Royal gin. ‘One should attempt to re-gain some of one’s limelight from [*cough* Peasant *cough*] Kate from the previous annum.’

Meanwhile in stock rates, the demand for petrol and diesel is higher, and indeed almost more expensive than that of gold dust. Due to the proposed shortage in fuel, the Commons' emergency Cobra team are talking through the intentions of providing excess liposuction fatty deposit fluids to fuel-less drivers. 'If chip fat works...'

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(Hair) Donors for Cameron Revealed.

David Cameron has today revealed the full extent of his donor list, announcing a few of the members he’s wined and dined with ‘above shop’ (assumedly neglecting those mid-week drunken No 10 prime ministerial ‘raves’ when Samantha briefly retreats elsewhere).

Many sources, also constituting the controversial TV personality and talk show host, Jonathon Ross, seemingly misunderstood the donor program and rather than a requested donation of vast monetary value, instead generously offered to treat Cameron’s ever-receding hair line through transplant or wig should Dave require a spot of grooming.

Gordon Ramsay, having participated in the Daily Mirror’s aptly described ‘Come Dine With Dave’  experience, scored Cameron a pitiful five out of ten possible points for his culinary talents, stating that the ‘Lidl branded microwaveable casserole had a ‘* remarked * resemblance to that of * dog * food’ (* representing Tourette-like ever frequent cursing omissions.)

Nick Clegg is likewise set to follow suit in releasing his dinner party guests which inevitably wholly consist of his Mum, yet he’s nevertheless releasing his list so that people perceive him as ‘important’ and so that Cameron doesn’t steal all of the limelight… Popcorn buckets at the ready as increased inter-coalition general political bitchiness is cued to ensue.

 Meanwhile, the Queen was reported to have chipped in a tenner (via ‘I O U’) in response to the Cash For Cameron fundraiser.

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Osborne Plans To Raid 'Toys R Us' For MP's In 2013 Budget

George Osborne revealed a belated Budget request today, nominating that money taken from pensioners is to be spent on providing all 650 MP’s with brand sparkling new Apple IPad 3’s as their ‘basic’ technological resources are deemed ‘depleted’ as MP’s have to cope with destitute scenarios of only been provided with 5 computer systems by the taxpayer. Those thousands of homeless people don’t know the definition of squalor, according to the Tories anyway. We’ll be joining forces with the Americans next in delivering Mark Zuckerberg’s request for a new set up and personal broadband mast as the signal ‘ain’t half slow round here y’know’.

The reasoning behind the Tories’ suggestion is allegedly so that David Cameron can once more satisfy his spiraling ‘Angry Birds’ addiction (click here for aforementioned turbulence) and so that MP’s can connect to play viral number one app, ‘Draw Something’, where one player has to guess what the other is drawing, collectively throughout the Commons when Ed Miliband starts shouting and issues annoying attempts to launch yet another independent investigation into Tory methods.

Either Sir Alan Haselhurst, Chairman of the Committee drastically failed GCSE Maths while at school or the Commons genuinely do use half a rainforest value of stationary, but generally kitting 650 members out with iPads in addition to monthly data charges for each unit calculating at close to half a million pounds of taxpayer’s money does not suggest itself as the budget alternative to two lots of 500 packet ‘Staple’s’ own brand A4 paper, costing a maximum of £5.00 per meet. It seems then, that poor Haselhurst (possibly due to increasing age) vastly and simultaneously humiliatingly miscalculated his workings out. Good job he didn’t apply for Peter Cruddas’ vacant role as Treasurer, what a disaster that would have been!  

Meanwhile, early plans for the 2013 Budget have re-surfaced with Osborne proposing a remote controlled car to be issued to every MP as part of their well deserved ‘leisure time’. 

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Prime Minister's 'Rent-A-Friend' Structure Backfires

Former Tory Treasurer Peter Crudas was denounced by PM David Cameron today to ‘Crud-ass’ following the revengeful exposure by Murdoch’s ‘Sunday Times’, exclusively broadcasting Pete’s pathetic attempts to join the Cameron Crew by discharging hefty sums to wine and dine and eventually secure a role as Treasurer as a reward for ‘spending his own money so wisely’.

The subtle footage shot and posted on the newspaper’s website outlines the Tory’s new approach to fundraising methods, to which they allegedly received no offers sparing one from ex-Labour Prime Minister Gordon Brown, mistakenly applying for a role as caretaker.  Futile efforts essentially establish that that the Tories’ wiser option could have been by targeting a wider market with an innocent car wash or classic car boot sale to raise Party funds, regardless of Dave’s prestigious Eton education.

Osborne and Cameron may have played tactically on Budget day, expecting an elite monetary reward in form of political donation compensating for wealthy favourable top rate 5% tax cuts, however on the other hand it could just as well have been due to declining popularity and recent jibes from Labour Leader ‘bully’ Miliband that forced the controversy laden pair to issue ‘rent-a-friend’ advertisements at £250k a pop.

Ed Miliband wasted no time and jumped on the accusatory bandwagon, proposing the second investigation of the week (first following the Budget leak scandal on Thursday) and it certainly seems like Britain may just have acquired another Sherlock Holmes. It’s almost disappointing that the Lib Dems decided not to form a bond with Labour as Nick Clegg would have, in my opinion, made a fitting sidekick as Watson.

No matter how scandalous the whole affair may be perceived to be, there’s no denying the entrepreneurial spirit from the Conservatives, however if I were buying government policies at a quarter of a million GBP sterling, I’d certainly want a ‘buy one get one free’ sales offer for the best possible value for money – after all, there is a British recession!

Meanwhile, David Cameron has been sighted sat in various public hotspots throughout London armed with blankets, an empty coffee-stained polystyrene cup laid before him and an improvisational placard reading ‘Cash For Cameron?’

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'Phil, one wishes to acquire a pet butler'

In the wake of George Osborne’s controversy laden 45p decreased  top rate tax proposals in which he claims that he supposedly does not benefit from ( a statement proven to be of irrelevance, as he most definitely claims tax back via expenses regardless), the Royal Family meanwhile certainly decided to put the money saved to good use today by job advertising for a new staff member to carry out royal errands, including blocking phone calls from the Duchess Fergie and Prince Charles in case he eagerly happens to suggest that ‘one should maybe resign as one is seeming to, I daresay, hog the crown’. Of course the majority of the British Public know that a complex persuasive case of reverse psychology or a media-glamorized sex scandal is needed for that ‘ridiculous’ motion to happen.

Amid the 775 various rooms filled with assorted antiquities, Victorian era (approx) heads stolen from the Tower of London and royal heirlooms, the novice butler is assured that ‘adequate room will be found’ for his yearly duration in infamous party hotspot, Buckingham Palace. This is reported to be a small-to-medium sized former store cupboard as ‘peasant’ fingerprints are said to be forbidden in more prestigious rooms, ‘which happens to be just about all of them’. Even newlywed Kate had to wait ten years to see the royal throne room (no innuendo intended).

During this very honourable role, the butler will get to witness Liz sans makeup, meadow-coloured dresses, teeth and proper accent which collectively convey a slight resemblance to reality TV star, Susan Boyle. Of course, unlimited unofficial momentos scattered about the Palace are at staff fingertips evoking multiple item listings on auction site eBay for gold threaded ‘Royal Bog Roll’ and stuffed corgi’s depicting the timeline for the duration of Queen Elizabeth II’s reign.

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Budget Banter (2012 Edition)

George Osborne delivered his anxiously awaited 2012 Budget plans earlier today, consequently evoking praise from PM David Cameron as he delivered his statement simultaneously with 'pet' puppy dog Nick Clegg which essentially stated that it was a budget that 'every liberal could be proud of'. Following this, Ed Miliband kindly passed Dave a dictionary after the officials so as to ensure that he could never again embarrassingly confuse the definition of 'liberal' with that of 'wealthy'. What exactly did Oxford teach you Cameron?


The primary controversial subject that ensued from Osborne's budget was the proposal of diminishing the 50p top tax rate by 5% to 45p which subsequently would 'only cost the Treasury £100 million, which is comparatively little against the current MP expense claims'.


If it is generally judged by society as morally wrong to 'steal candy from a baby' as it were, it is clear that Osborne's accumulated petty grudges regarding all of those unnecessary 'Elderly prioritised' bus seats, mobility scooter tankers and early bird exclusive swimming sessions have now somewhat been deemed, in George's mind, as justifiable to steal from pensioners instead. I suppose they had it coming really.


The Tories surprisingly revealed their guilty pleasure and political inspiration source while delivering the adjusted quote, 'We are all in it together', originally from 2006 Disney pre-teen blockbuster, 'High School Musical'. Wishful thinking required Cameron and Clegg to burst out into apparent 'spontaneous' song and dance routine in the midst of the Cabinet. It should be addressed however, that if the Tories plan to go down the Disney movie route to aid brainstorming their 'smart things to say' checklist it may become increasingly noticeable if, in event of Conservative downfall in the next General Election, Cameron states that it is due to the 'circle of life' and the unfortunate fact that it happens to 'move us all'.


Meanwhile, Ed Miliband announced his debut album entitled 'Granny Tax' which is reported to feature exclusive nasal interviews.

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The End Of A GAME-ing Era?

After an 11% fall in share prices on Friday (according to www.ukfinance.yahoo.com/q?s=GMG.L) and the GAME company issuing letters to customers detailing local impending store closures, it could be assumed that the company isn’t far from GAME-over.

The drastic fall in company shares comes after both company stores (GAME and GameStation) pulled from stocking one of the most highly anticipated 2012 releases, Mass Effect 3, and refunding pre-order consumers, directing them to buy elsewhere. This ensued a string of gaming developers including Nintendo, EA and Capcom to pull some of their upcoming releases from the retailer’s grasp, for example Mario Party 9, Street Fighter x Tekken, Kid Icarus for Nintendo’s unveiled 3DS and the third installment to the acclaimed Ninja Gaiden series. After asking staff from a branch of GAME, they concluded that the ultimate blow was their monetary ability to buy from major leading global game developer Microsoft, and their unwillingness to negotiate in terms of buying price.

It’s not too hard to envision the problem, as GAME’s business model is structured so that traded in ‘preowned’ games are the company’s richest profit-spinning component due to the notoriously poor trade-in cash and in-store exchange values dealt to potential exchangers. This means that less profit is made out of newly bought games and so the need to barter for the cheapest amounts to then sell on is paramount to the company ensuring minimum losses. If corporations such as Microsoft are not willing to negotiate, coupled with the possibility that gamers can find better trade in deals for their unwanted titles and so trade in elsewhere, means that ultimately GAME will lose out on pre-owned profits and fall down on higher buying prices and the future does not bode well with some rumours stating that there is an impending 2 weeks deadline for the company to turn themselves around.

A statement issued from GAME previously in February stated that 35 store closures from their current 610 UK outlets would take place by the 24^th March and that 60 more closures are due before the year is out. Many of the current 10,000 staff employed regionally are expecting redundancies, consequently furthering the UK’s problematic unemployment rates.

Another aspect of the downfall of the UK’s leading gaming retailer could well be partially due to the rise of internet shopping. Consumer reports during the Christmas period described how internet purchases had reached their all time high due to the population having less money to spend and therefore the consequent need to scour for the best possible deal which may have essentially proved tragic to GAME Company.

In conclusion, although there is major uncertainty over the meanwhile lasting duration and even the ultimate survival of the company, it will prove to be a major loss and a gaping hole in the gaming high street market despite the fact that there have been mixed opinions regarding the company as a whole and their tactics during their entire lifespan. Amidst the uncertainty, it definitely looks like GAME are preparing for the worst, and every visit into the store rings a reminder by staff to use up accumulated loyalty points, ‘just in case’. It’s unfortunate that it is partially due to the unloyalty of customers and suppliers alike that is leading to the rapid decline of GAME and Gamestation.

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