Ed Miliband & the Nasal Nuisance

A year on from Labour Party leader Ed Miliband's £1300 dismal nose job, the result of which was suggested to have been the whole reason for the government's U turn on the NHS around the same time as the surgery last year, and it seems that Ed's nose has become a celebrity in itself.

The Ed Miliband Specsavers Range

 Although Miliband missed out on the chance to become PM in the last General Election, he did however win the election to become the new 'voice' of the TomTom Sat Nav ranges recently. This may have not done him any favours however, as floods of complaints reportedly swamped the sat nav company's customer service due to customer's bewilderment as they had often found themselves in different parts of the globe due to following Ed's nasal-ridden directions.


Ultimately, despite the nasal procedure's evident failure, not all hope is lost for Ed as Comic Relief have launched a new campaign entitled 'Ed Nose Day' in acknowledgement of the left wing facial feature and to potentially raise funds for future surgery.

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That's A Bit Rich!

According to David Cameron, in a speech yesterday in Kent debating ideas for a welfare reform before the Torie’s produced their manifesto for the next general election, the UK benefit system has gone ‘truly awry’ or ‘down the shitters’ (Source- Cameron’s pre-finalized edition of his speech). Why? Apparently ‘millions of working-age people were sitting at home on benefits from the taxpayer even before the recession hit’ which gives David Cameron and his MP’s more in common with millions of said people than he realizes, for the only difference is that much of the government were sitting at home on UK taxpayer’s benefits before AND after the recession hit. That’s a bit rich coming from you Cammers!

Meanwhile Labour are planning a Robin Hood-esque ‘steal from the rich and give to the poor’ operation (mainly from D-Cam’s personal funds reportedly) to try and provide a U turn to the proposals. However there’s only one main problematic factor with that suggestion… Ed Miliband in tights.

It also seems that  David 'Durex' Cameron has gone all Condom-servative with his range of new contraception in a bid to stop the unemployed from ‘breeding’ which is currently in development. More to be heard from the ‘Don’t Be A Fool, Cover Your Tool’ campaign movement.

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Twitter A Fail Whale?

Long established Twitter users will remember the ‘fail whale’ image that appeared on users’ screens when Twitter was currently inaccessible. Lately however it seems that Twitter seemed to be living up to that very same fail whale image due to being taken offline by a ‘cascading bug’ on Thursday morning between the hours of 10am-12pm GMT.

Twitter’s renowned ‘flaky reliability’ issues ultimately affected and sparked complaints from over 175million of the micro-blogging service’s registered users and, despite Twitter’s disrepute of hacker claims, the ‘cascading bug’ could may well have been a metaphor for social network rival, Mark Zuckerberg, who reportedly requested all of his departmental staff to each create multiple Twitter accounts throughout the day to cause an inevitable overload, in a supposed ‘team building exercise’.

The cause for this rivalry may be clear as increasing amounts of Facebook users appear to be emigrating away from Facebook and FarmVille requests in favour of a more private community that proves to be a sanctuary when it comes to avoiding those annoyances featured on Facebook friends list who never fail to pop up at most inconveniencing times.

Twitter sources explained that the detrimental bug ‘isn’t confined to a particular software element but ‘cascades’ into other elements as well’, surely suggesting that the Twitter wars aren’t over yet. Is anyone else experiencing an overwhelming déjà-vu of school girl style A+ bitchery?! 

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'Maggie'll Have Something To Say About That!'

Following David Cameron’s most recent U-turn, referring not to politics but instead to Cameron’s humiliating and highly criticized neglect of his 8 year old daughter while out on a pub visit (had one too many did you Cammers?), the embarrassed PM has since tried to sweep that unfortunate mishap under the nation’s carpet by convincing the country that the government does care about Britain’s young ‘uns.

This proposal entails the government’s motion of refusal to cut free nursery milk to under 5’s but instead has committed to cutting the exponentially rising costs of the freely supplied dairy produce faced by the budget. Despite Cameron’s attempts to ‘turn a blind eye’ to the bad publicity of the ‘daddy and daughter duo pub crawl’ event, it is unlikely that Britain’s younger generation will reciprocate the government’s ‘care’ due to the steepened sum of 9 grand for uni fees and the Tories’ attempt at abolishing free school meals for the nation’s poorest kids thrust upon them earlier in Cameron’s reign.

Recent studies have proven that  should infants consume a daily intake of milk and cheese, it is consequently more likely that the increased calcium could guarantee them an extended lifetime and potentially cut mortality by a quarter. Perhaps our PM is hoping that supplying our young with dairy products shall increase his ‘lifetime’ in control of the country, not to mention the extra taxes the government could pocket!

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Zuckerberg's Response To Facebook Handset Rumours

Having recently floated onto the stock market last week, the pioneer at the helm of social networking giant Facebook spoke out for the first time today regarding the rumours circulating thick and fast about the prospect of a 2013 launch for the Facebook phone.


'Well, basically due to many of our users emigrating onto the Facebook apps available for iPhone and Android, we have been unable to dupe many into buying virtual Facebook credits due to the unavailability of the Flash software on the Apple handsets (required to play most inter-programme apps), and we have also been unavailable to bombard our users with hordes of incessant irrelevant advertisements as featured on the web-based version. And so basically, we need a new way to make money.' Explained Zuckerberg behind his reasoning of the tangible effort of the social networking phenomenon. 


Upon questioning of some of the features that new Facebook handset may hope to offer, Zuckerberg stated that it would be much similar to the iOS software as seen on the iPhone. 'Actually, we had some of their engineers in the other day. We're hoping to pass it off as our own revolutionary step. Oh, and of course the handset shall be glitch rich and users will be constantly annoyed with Farmville(etc) requests within the first five seconds of unlocking their phone, despite the fact that we know most users wish to demolish others' farmhouses, burn their crops and slaughter their animals. It's all for the LOLs.


'We've all got somebody on our friend's list who we always try to avoid and turn off chat upon logging in. Well with the Facebook phone we've decided that connectivity is the way forward and users shall be forced to endure the often painful experience of older relatives talking about their ancient decrepit hounds at a pace of around 5 words per two minutes. We've also blocked all of the privacy settings on the handset, so the handset will automatically update your exact actions, including toilet breaks, at regular 10 minute intervals. As we said, connectivity is the key to making this thing a success.'

First image of the Facebook phone. 'Revolutionary.'

'Guaranteed to be a money maker, this.' We think so too.

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Gaga Gig Cancelled Due To Outfit Woes

Lady Gaga, arguably the most controversial and eccentric pop influential figure on the recent music scene, cancelled her gig scheduled to be played in Indonesia today after it was discovered that she had run out of raw unique materials from which to create her extravagant and often controversial outfits.

To recall a brief backlog of Gaga’s gaga wardrobe, her infamous meat outfit initially comes straight to mind. Favoured by and receiving the highest critique from many of the dogs neighbouring her home, the outfit inspired her to do several edible holiday outfits, including the Christmas turkey outfit (complete with stuffing balls around the breast area) and also the bread and wine ensemble for Easter.

However, over the past few years and the resulting effect of the entirety interior furnishings of her covetable home being transformed to fit her wardrobe desires and experiments, it has been an increased struggle in finding any new household objects which can be adapted to Gaga’s material (literally) needs.

It is said she is contemplating her hardest outfit composition yet, dressing down as herself.

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Eurovision: Backstage Babble

Following Sweden’s victory in the 26 country strong Eurovision competition last night, rumours have emerged that there was more backstage drama than initially perceived to those viewing in countries around the globe.

The Russian grannies’ number set a fine example of what could potentially happen if medication were to be neglected at their age, and despite placing a sweet second the sextuplet decided to protest against the victorious ‘Euphoria’ track performed by Loreen by demonstration of chaining their mobility scooters to the stage, obviously influenced by steps seen by anti-cut protesters outside the UK’s deputy prime minister, Nick Clegg’s home.

Rumours have already circulated about identical Irish duo, Jedward and UK participant, Englebert Humperdinck joining forces and amalgamating their acts to produce ‘Jengleward’ during the semi-finals as Englebert’s penultimate scathing defeat has forced him to reconsider his career options and insiders would suggest that he’s already purchased his Wizard of Oz style Tin Man-esque catsuit, complete with shoulder pads and a synthetic blonde quiff due to significant aged hair fragility.

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Pasty Protesters: The Backlash

The 'pasty tax' was just one of the many controversial propositions made in the Budget this March, calling for 20% VAT to be added to all food products sold 'above ambient temperature', even if they subsequently cool down after purchase.

Pasty protesters, mainly bakers who are seeing their industry threatened, are planning a demonstration in Downing Street, rumours suggest that armed with frozen varieties of pasties, the protesters will target and 'pasty' the PM's number 10 residence in a last bid attempt to persuade Cameron otherwise, and to ultimately 'get a taste of his own medicine'.

Meanwhile, days before the move was proposed, Cameron and Osborne were spotted bulk-buying warmed pasties from popular baking retailer Greggs and rumours are circulating within Parliament that the pair will soon decide to tax on packed lunches within the work place and at even at school, after all, why should the UK's poorest children be the only one's to pay for their own school meals?


Who'd have known that Parliament would become increasingly discriminative with lack of subtlety? First it was the granny tax, it seems the no one could have fathomed that the trusty faithful Cornish pasty could have been next!

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BBC Suffering Initiative Deficiency

The memorial cruise tracing the path of the Titanic's original maiden voyage occurring a century ago, was delayed and forced to take a detour after BBC cameraman, Tim Rex (56) was airlifted from the ship and taken ill as a 'medical precaution'.


Seriously BBC, I'd have thought it would've been standard procedure (or minimum decent common sense) amid the lamentation and reflecting memorials of the sad event of the sinking of the Titanic 100 years ago, to at least check if any of your crew suffered with sea-sickness before posting them on a boat for 12 days on a commemorative voyage. 

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UK Hosepipe Ban To Back Queen's Olympic Ambitions

It seems that nobody could have fathomed an estimate as to the severity of the brunt ultimately borne on the UK as a direct result of Osborne's extreme late Budget additions subsequent from the original delivered a couple of weeks previously. 

The immediate action was down to a particular royal demand from Prince Philip requiring an Olympic training pool for Her Majesty to be excavated so that 'one could enter into a little Olympic spirit' in preparations for July. The Queen's long discarded ambitions are seemingly being revived at the ultimate expense of the nation (and their pansies) who are consequently fueling her determination involuntarily. (An exception being the dynamic duo, 'Dastardly Dave and Clegg-ly' of course)


Water Aid are responding to the outcries of British need and have launched a campaign similar to the meanwhile discarded 'Save the Children', amended to 'Save the Crysanthamums' to be run across third world countries.

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Scooby Dooby Dave?

Government plans to push forward rules that would enable security forces to access email header  and other traffic details without a warrant has evoked public response of suggestions that the government are attempting to replicate an episode of ‘Scooby Doo’ at attempts to ‘unmask’ some of the UK’s hidden criminals. The general public have issued a major disproval towards ‘those meddling  kids’ and their resulting proposition.

Estimated reasons as to the controversial government snooping scenario is a subtle attempt to disclose potential Eurozone plans to dub and rename Britain as ‘Poundland’ or perhaps to issue a long overdue restraining order on hit melancholic singer, Adele, as self-confessed in her song ‘Someone Like You’ she keeps ‘turning out of the blue uninvited’, and this coupled together with her delusional attempts to ‘set fire to the rain’ despite scientific impossibility has outlined fears for Adele’s mental stability. Zoinks!

Another likely solution is that David Cameron, Scrappy Doo (Nick Clegg) and the remainder of the Tory party seemingly cannot duly withstand waiting for the highly anticipated winning results to freshly commenced season of ‘Britain’s Got Talent’ and wish to listen in to Simon Cowell’s private phone calls to find out who’s won in advance so no money should be wasted on phone in votes (and later claimed on ‘expenses’, see DC’s got the taxpayers in mind after all!).

Ultimately, perhaps the only way to persuade the government to amend their decision and thus change their minds about the whole situation is to offer the entirety of the Commons a Scooby Snack each,  and finally  in the ever wisdom-filled words of Scooby’s infamous sidekick Shaggy himself, ‘that’s our cue to ski-doo!’

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Cameron Fuels Arsonists On Latest Outreach Venture

Despite the infamous quote published on World War 2 propaganda posters by the British government in 1939 advising Britons to ‘Keep Calm & Carry On’, this counsel evidently did not adhere to No 10 as a shambolic ministerial statement encouraging drivers to remain fueled up and ‘to fill up a jerrycan or two’. Looks like the British government just jumped from the frying pan directly into the fire (ignited by arsonists with their spare jerrycans).Warnings to David Cameron, Labour’ll have you up like Guy Fawkes on the 5^th of November!

The Royal Family have no concerns over the potential future fuel shortage however, Liz has already lined up her horse and carriage (famously used in Prince William and the Duchess Kate’s wedding and prior to that, Harry and Wills’ mother, Princess Diana) to take extra heed and precaution against the absurdity of no available power to transport Her Majesty to the local off-license to stock up on the Royal gin. ‘One should attempt to re-gain some of one’s limelight from [*cough* Peasant *cough*] Kate from the previous annum.’

Meanwhile in stock rates, the demand for petrol and diesel is higher, and indeed almost more expensive than that of gold dust. Due to the proposed shortage in fuel, the Commons' emergency Cobra team are talking through the intentions of providing excess liposuction fatty deposit fluids to fuel-less drivers. 'If chip fat works...'

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(Hair) Donors for Cameron Revealed.

David Cameron has today revealed the full extent of his donor list, announcing a few of the members he’s wined and dined with ‘above shop’ (assumedly neglecting those mid-week drunken No 10 prime ministerial ‘raves’ when Samantha briefly retreats elsewhere).

Many sources, also constituting the controversial TV personality and talk show host, Jonathon Ross, seemingly misunderstood the donor program and rather than a requested donation of vast monetary value, instead generously offered to treat Cameron’s ever-receding hair line through transplant or wig should Dave require a spot of grooming.

Gordon Ramsay, having participated in the Daily Mirror’s aptly described ‘Come Dine With Dave’  experience, scored Cameron a pitiful five out of ten possible points for his culinary talents, stating that the ‘Lidl branded microwaveable casserole had a ‘* remarked * resemblance to that of * dog * food’ (* representing Tourette-like ever frequent cursing omissions.)

Nick Clegg is likewise set to follow suit in releasing his dinner party guests which inevitably wholly consist of his Mum, yet he’s nevertheless releasing his list so that people perceive him as ‘important’ and so that Cameron doesn’t steal all of the limelight… Popcorn buckets at the ready as increased inter-coalition general political bitchiness is cued to ensue.

 Meanwhile, the Queen was reported to have chipped in a tenner (via ‘I O U’) in response to the Cash For Cameron fundraiser.

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Osborne Plans To Raid 'Toys R Us' For MP's In 2013 Budget

George Osborne revealed a belated Budget request today, nominating that money taken from pensioners is to be spent on providing all 650 MP’s with brand sparkling new Apple IPad 3’s as their ‘basic’ technological resources are deemed ‘depleted’ as MP’s have to cope with destitute scenarios of only been provided with 5 computer systems by the taxpayer. Those thousands of homeless people don’t know the definition of squalor, according to the Tories anyway. We’ll be joining forces with the Americans next in delivering Mark Zuckerberg’s request for a new set up and personal broadband mast as the signal ‘ain’t half slow round here y’know’.

The reasoning behind the Tories’ suggestion is allegedly so that David Cameron can once more satisfy his spiraling ‘Angry Birds’ addiction (click here for aforementioned turbulence) and so that MP’s can connect to play viral number one app, ‘Draw Something’, where one player has to guess what the other is drawing, collectively throughout the Commons when Ed Miliband starts shouting and issues annoying attempts to launch yet another independent investigation into Tory methods.

Either Sir Alan Haselhurst, Chairman of the Committee drastically failed GCSE Maths while at school or the Commons genuinely do use half a rainforest value of stationary, but generally kitting 650 members out with iPads in addition to monthly data charges for each unit calculating at close to half a million pounds of taxpayer’s money does not suggest itself as the budget alternative to two lots of 500 packet ‘Staple’s’ own brand A4 paper, costing a maximum of £5.00 per meet. It seems then, that poor Haselhurst (possibly due to increasing age) vastly and simultaneously humiliatingly miscalculated his workings out. Good job he didn’t apply for Peter Cruddas’ vacant role as Treasurer, what a disaster that would have been!  

Meanwhile, early plans for the 2013 Budget have re-surfaced with Osborne proposing a remote controlled car to be issued to every MP as part of their well deserved ‘leisure time’. 

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Prime Minister's 'Rent-A-Friend' Structure Backfires

Former Tory Treasurer Peter Crudas was denounced by PM David Cameron today to ‘Crud-ass’ following the revengeful exposure by Murdoch’s ‘Sunday Times’, exclusively broadcasting Pete’s pathetic attempts to join the Cameron Crew by discharging hefty sums to wine and dine and eventually secure a role as Treasurer as a reward for ‘spending his own money so wisely’.

The subtle footage shot and posted on the newspaper’s website outlines the Tory’s new approach to fundraising methods, to which they allegedly received no offers sparing one from ex-Labour Prime Minister Gordon Brown, mistakenly applying for a role as caretaker.  Futile efforts essentially establish that that the Tories’ wiser option could have been by targeting a wider market with an innocent car wash or classic car boot sale to raise Party funds, regardless of Dave’s prestigious Eton education.

Osborne and Cameron may have played tactically on Budget day, expecting an elite monetary reward in form of political donation compensating for wealthy favourable top rate 5% tax cuts, however on the other hand it could just as well have been due to declining popularity and recent jibes from Labour Leader ‘bully’ Miliband that forced the controversy laden pair to issue ‘rent-a-friend’ advertisements at £250k a pop.

Ed Miliband wasted no time and jumped on the accusatory bandwagon, proposing the second investigation of the week (first following the Budget leak scandal on Thursday) and it certainly seems like Britain may just have acquired another Sherlock Holmes. It’s almost disappointing that the Lib Dems decided not to form a bond with Labour as Nick Clegg would have, in my opinion, made a fitting sidekick as Watson.

No matter how scandalous the whole affair may be perceived to be, there’s no denying the entrepreneurial spirit from the Conservatives, however if I were buying government policies at a quarter of a million GBP sterling, I’d certainly want a ‘buy one get one free’ sales offer for the best possible value for money – after all, there is a British recession!

Meanwhile, David Cameron has been sighted sat in various public hotspots throughout London armed with blankets, an empty coffee-stained polystyrene cup laid before him and an improvisational placard reading ‘Cash For Cameron?’

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'Phil, one wishes to acquire a pet butler'

In the wake of George Osborne’s controversy laden 45p decreased  top rate tax proposals in which he claims that he supposedly does not benefit from ( a statement proven to be of irrelevance, as he most definitely claims tax back via expenses regardless), the Royal Family meanwhile certainly decided to put the money saved to good use today by job advertising for a new staff member to carry out royal errands, including blocking phone calls from the Duchess Fergie and Prince Charles in case he eagerly happens to suggest that ‘one should maybe resign as one is seeming to, I daresay, hog the crown’. Of course the majority of the British Public know that a complex persuasive case of reverse psychology or a media-glamorized sex scandal is needed for that ‘ridiculous’ motion to happen.

Amid the 775 various rooms filled with assorted antiquities, Victorian era (approx) heads stolen from the Tower of London and royal heirlooms, the novice butler is assured that ‘adequate room will be found’ for his yearly duration in infamous party hotspot, Buckingham Palace. This is reported to be a small-to-medium sized former store cupboard as ‘peasant’ fingerprints are said to be forbidden in more prestigious rooms, ‘which happens to be just about all of them’. Even newlywed Kate had to wait ten years to see the royal throne room (no innuendo intended).

During this very honourable role, the butler will get to witness Liz sans makeup, meadow-coloured dresses, teeth and proper accent which collectively convey a slight resemblance to reality TV star, Susan Boyle. Of course, unlimited unofficial momentos scattered about the Palace are at staff fingertips evoking multiple item listings on auction site eBay for gold threaded ‘Royal Bog Roll’ and stuffed corgi’s depicting the timeline for the duration of Queen Elizabeth II’s reign.

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Budget Banter (2012 Edition)

George Osborne delivered his anxiously awaited 2012 Budget plans earlier today, consequently evoking praise from PM David Cameron as he delivered his statement simultaneously with 'pet' puppy dog Nick Clegg which essentially stated that it was a budget that 'every liberal could be proud of'. Following this, Ed Miliband kindly passed Dave a dictionary after the officials so as to ensure that he could never again embarrassingly confuse the definition of 'liberal' with that of 'wealthy'. What exactly did Oxford teach you Cameron?


The primary controversial subject that ensued from Osborne's budget was the proposal of diminishing the 50p top tax rate by 5% to 45p which subsequently would 'only cost the Treasury £100 million, which is comparatively little against the current MP expense claims'.


If it is generally judged by society as morally wrong to 'steal candy from a baby' as it were, it is clear that Osborne's accumulated petty grudges regarding all of those unnecessary 'Elderly prioritised' bus seats, mobility scooter tankers and early bird exclusive swimming sessions have now somewhat been deemed, in George's mind, as justifiable to steal from pensioners instead. I suppose they had it coming really.


The Tories surprisingly revealed their guilty pleasure and political inspiration source while delivering the adjusted quote, 'We are all in it together', originally from 2006 Disney pre-teen blockbuster, 'High School Musical'. Wishful thinking required Cameron and Clegg to burst out into apparent 'spontaneous' song and dance routine in the midst of the Cabinet. It should be addressed however, that if the Tories plan to go down the Disney movie route to aid brainstorming their 'smart things to say' checklist it may become increasingly noticeable if, in event of Conservative downfall in the next General Election, Cameron states that it is due to the 'circle of life' and the unfortunate fact that it happens to 'move us all'.


Meanwhile, Ed Miliband announced his debut album entitled 'Granny Tax' which is reported to feature exclusive nasal interviews.

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The End Of A GAME-ing Era?

After an 11% fall in share prices on Friday (according to www.ukfinance.yahoo.com/q?s=GMG.L) and the GAME company issuing letters to customers detailing local impending store closures, it could be assumed that the company isn’t far from GAME-over.

The drastic fall in company shares comes after both company stores (GAME and GameStation) pulled from stocking one of the most highly anticipated 2012 releases, Mass Effect 3, and refunding pre-order consumers, directing them to buy elsewhere. This ensued a string of gaming developers including Nintendo, EA and Capcom to pull some of their upcoming releases from the retailer’s grasp, for example Mario Party 9, Street Fighter x Tekken, Kid Icarus for Nintendo’s unveiled 3DS and the third installment to the acclaimed Ninja Gaiden series. After asking staff from a branch of GAME, they concluded that the ultimate blow was their monetary ability to buy from major leading global game developer Microsoft, and their unwillingness to negotiate in terms of buying price.

It’s not too hard to envision the problem, as GAME’s business model is structured so that traded in ‘preowned’ games are the company’s richest profit-spinning component due to the notoriously poor trade-in cash and in-store exchange values dealt to potential exchangers. This means that less profit is made out of newly bought games and so the need to barter for the cheapest amounts to then sell on is paramount to the company ensuring minimum losses. If corporations such as Microsoft are not willing to negotiate, coupled with the possibility that gamers can find better trade in deals for their unwanted titles and so trade in elsewhere, means that ultimately GAME will lose out on pre-owned profits and fall down on higher buying prices and the future does not bode well with some rumours stating that there is an impending 2 weeks deadline for the company to turn themselves around.

A statement issued from GAME previously in February stated that 35 store closures from their current 610 UK outlets would take place by the 24^th March and that 60 more closures are due before the year is out. Many of the current 10,000 staff employed regionally are expecting redundancies, consequently furthering the UK’s problematic unemployment rates.

Another aspect of the downfall of the UK’s leading gaming retailer could well be partially due to the rise of internet shopping. Consumer reports during the Christmas period described how internet purchases had reached their all time high due to the population having less money to spend and therefore the consequent need to scour for the best possible deal which may have essentially proved tragic to GAME Company.

In conclusion, although there is major uncertainty over the meanwhile lasting duration and even the ultimate survival of the company, it will prove to be a major loss and a gaping hole in the gaming high street market despite the fact that there have been mixed opinions regarding the company as a whole and their tactics during their entire lifespan. Amidst the uncertainty, it definitely looks like GAME are preparing for the worst, and every visit into the store rings a reminder by staff to use up accumulated loyalty points, ‘just in case’. It’s unfortunate that it is partially due to the unloyalty of customers and suppliers alike that is leading to the rapid decline of GAME and Gamestation.

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Cameron Haters Stay Back (Obama's On Side)

David Cameron has arrived in Washington for a three-day visit to US president Barack Obama’s headquarters after an interminable course of opposition to highly controversial coalition decisions, including the proposed NHS overturn. The agenda of the visit has been reported to primarily consist of rounds of the ever time devouring board game classic, ‘Monopoly’ as both parts intend to reminisce on international relationships and engage in political ‘bitching’ sessions regarding certain unfavorable members of the UN, interjected with frequent discussions devoted to reassuring and counseling Cameron in regard to his ruthless opposition, an experience that definitely isn’t a revelation to America’s first black president.

Other highlights from the leaders’ itinerary feature a reposed basketball game situated in Ohio, Cameron experiencing a glimpse of ‘the high life’ while lounging in luxurious presidential plane,’ Air Force One’, with a transient  utterance regarding Afghan troops that appears to be almost dutiful as Obama has already specified  that there is apparently no ‘rush for the exits’.

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David Cameron 'An Angry Bird'?

At the end of a stressful day of meetings at work you might expect UK Tory Prime Minister, David Cameron, to embrace a soothing massage from wife Samantha, or kick back in front of the television with a Rich Tea admiring his appearance in a news bulletin. This is not the case however as David Cameron surprisingly admitted yesterday during some light hearted enquiries that he actually finds refuge in the hugely popular smartphone application, ‘Angry Birds’.

Cameron may well have found a recipe for stress success as he envisions tossing bird-shaped Nick Cleggs at opposing activists seeking a call for the coalition to drop its overhaul of the NHS in England on the catchpenny 69p bargain software (which Cameron later claimed back as ‘expenses’), however experts fear that there is nothing ‘light-hearted’ about Cameron’s self confessed ‘addiction’ and an insider source described the PM’s wavering concentration during private meetings and Parliament as a direct result of his gaming.

All sympathies must lie with deputy Lib Dem Prime Minister, Nick Clegg, as he has been finding it increasingly embarrassing when out in public with Cameron, who has a fond habit of responding ‘I wish somebody would throw an Angry Bird at you’ to any opposition or deemed ‘annoying’ members of the general public. These Tourette’s-like outbursts are reported to be similar to the ones suffered by ex- Labour Prime Minister, Gordon Brown after his ‘bigoted woman’ slur back in 2010.

Cameron is reported to be undergoing private rehabilitation for his addiction.

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Poke Wars 'Biggest Threat' To Forces

The US Army recently issued a warning foreboding soldiers regarding the poisonous chokehold of social networking site, Facebook, which has approximately 845 million worldwide victims to date. The warnings stated how, once registered, members would be continually harassed with ‘pokes’ and prods from people they vaguely remember meeting once in the queue for the local ‘Hole-in-the-wall’ ATM but suddenly claim that they are a ‘friend’, consequently beleaguering newsfeeds with Farmville and alternative unwanted virtual gaming requests. Users will continuously refresh the home page every couple of minutes in an entranced, seemingly unbreakable cycle, waiting in anticipation for the imminent inevitably grammatically incorrect statuses of members consistently using incorrect versions of ‘they’re, their and there’ where appropriate.

More than one million mobile phone users in the United States now use smartphones, according to a study published this week by Comscore, a market research firm. The British Army, however, has banned the use of all mobile phones due to the compulsion to log into social networking sites such as Facebook, not just due to the geo-tagging location facility that could potentially give away soldiers’ locations, but primarily due to the fact that a ‘poke war’ may ensue among the forces, and ‘that kind of thing may be used to an enemy’s advantage to weaken their spirit’ insighted Daniel Sherman of defence think tank Royal United Services Institute.

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'With Tiffany's on speed dial, one can positively outdo a certain Jay-Z fellow'

Cheering crowds waving Union Jacks have greeted Queen Elizabeth II in Leicester to mark the start of Her Majesty’s highly anticipated ‘Queen Of Diamonds’ Jubilee Tour around many inner-city precincts and selected arenas. An insider source has teased fans, promising that after a hard week brainstorming the order of show with special guest opening act Prince Philip, with a bottle of gin in hand no doubt, eagerly awaited covers of Kanye West’s Grammy attaining song ‘Diamonds From Sierra Leone’ and Diamond Dog’s ‘InThe Church’ have been confirmed to both feature on the setlist and the Queen has specifically ordered her fandom that they ‘must turn one’s swag on’ as she gulped down her mid-morning brandy.

When asked about her outfits for her forthcoming tour, amid many guessing attempts by the media all over the world, much like the Duke and Duchess’ wedding last April it has been carefully laid under wraps with the only teaser given by Her Royal Highness herself promising, ‘When one has the power of a personal assistant and the Windsor family HSBC Platinum plated debit card, one can choose to wear as much ‘bling- bling’ as one would so wish.’

The last public sighting of the Her Majesty was by onlookers outside the Leicester Theatre as she was spotted embracing her entrepreneurial spirit by flogging discounted, cheaply duplicated tour merchandise spread out on a woolen rug to members of the passing public.

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Mark Zuckerberg calls Team Deathmatch

The social networking platform Facebook, which hosts approximately 850 million unproductive ‘soon-to-be-fired’ office workers from around the globe disconnected for two whole hours earlier this morning as Mark Zuckerberg wished to eliminate the annoyance of lag from his well-deserved game of Call Of Duty Team Deathmatch online multiplayer game with ‘the lads’ as he had especially plugged in his dust-topped first generation Xbox 360 Arcade (after all- ‘there’s no real monetary benefits in upgrading to a 250GB harddrive when a 256MB memory stick is perfectly adequate enough’). Zuckerberg decided to cover up his leisure pursuit with a half-hearted yet totally believable excuse filed under ‘technical issues’ that Twitter users found incredibly easy to swallow, given Facebook’s incompetency of lasting a week sans glitches.

The Twitter lads took this as an opportunity to poke fun at Facebook’s temporary downfall, trending #FacebookDown as perhaps a premature victory chant at the fact that they managed to beat Zuckerberg at his own game (of CoD). However, Zuckerberg’s mum didn’t seem too impressed with Twitter’s gloating and forebode that she would ‘get involved’ if the microblogging site didn’t ‘pipe down’.

There has been no word from Twitter since.

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